CYPRIEN - TECHNOPHOBEYouTube↗  IA↗(long shot)
Comedy  40.9M views 901.1K likes 13.7K dislikes   24 Jan 2015
Cyprien 14.5M subscribers N/A YouTube↗


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Take that… Headshot!
Dívej, headshot!
Boom! Headshot, man! Two at once!
Dvojitej headshot! Ta špejle!
High score! Arthur, look!
To je hustý, Arture!
Shit, my parents wants me to call my grandma
Naši mě nutěj, abych zavolal babičce...
Yeah! Four-hit combo!
JO! Čtyřikrát!
Fuck!
Sakra!
What is it?
Co ti je?
My phone burned me, man!
Můj mobil pálí!
What?
Cože?
Careful! Careful…!
Pozor! Pozor...
It’s nothing.
Nic na něm není.
Shit!
Do háje!
Can you quit with the jokes and play with me now?
Jseš v pohodě? Přestaneš dělat blbosti a necháš mě hrát?
And this, you think it’s a joke? Google Search: the mobile phone burned my friend but I'm OK
A tohle, to jsou blbosti?
I can’t find anything on the internet. That thing of yours is just weird.
*mobil pálí mého kámoše, ale mě ne* Na netu jsem nic nenašel, ten tvůj problém je divnej.
No, there has to be an explanation.
Musí existovat nějaký vysvětlení.
And you don’t know how to look up stuff anyway...
Nebo jen neumíš hledat...
Fuck!
Sakra!
I’m okay. Luckily I’m fine.
Já jsem v pohodě, naštěstí, já jsem v pohodě.
Fork.
Vidlička.
It’s good.
Dobrý.
It's good!
Dobrý!
Fuck!
Sakra!
Oh, no.
To ne...
For the console, do I write ‘yes, but with burns’?
U konzole napíšu "ano, ale s pálením"
Just write ‘no’.
Tak napiš "ne".
Glasses.
Brýle.
Banana...
Banán...
-Banana’s good ? -Banana’s good.
- Banán je v pohodě? - V pohodě, banán.
TV remote...
TV ovladač...
Fuck !
Sakra!
You’re a fucking idiot!
Ty jseš blbec!
Small dinosaur. You want to play with a small dinosaur?
Dinosauřík! Můžeš si hrát na dinosaury?
Come on! Smile a little!
No tak, užíváme si!
Moving on...
Takže...
Thank god.
Děkuju.
Me too. Me too, I’m okay!
Já taky můžu!
And now… cigarette. You don’t smoke but...
Tak... cigareta. Nekouříš...
Shit ! Motherf...
Au! Do pr...
I understand now. You’re allergic to technology.
Pochopil jsem to. Jsi alergický na technologie!
Oh no...
To ne...
Arthur, what game are you playing?
Arture, co to je za výmysly?
No, sir. It’s just that I can’t touch a computer anymore.
Ale já se už nemůžu dotknout počítače, pane!
If you want to take a day off, all you need to do is ask me nicely. There’s no need to act like a madman.
Jestli chcete den volna, můžete se hezky zeptat, nemá cenu ze sebe dělat blázna.
No, I’m serious. It’s… Look.
Ne, ale to je vážné. Sledujte.
Would you mind picking that up for me, please?
Nevadilo by vám to vzít?
It burns me.
Protože mě to pálí.
Your billing calls have been transferred to the Accounts Department.
Je nutné převést hovory na účetní.
Yes, that’s what I was working on just now.
Jo, to přesně tady právě dělám.
Do you mind if you could… just click and drag this file onto the email?
Nevadilo by vám jen tady kliknout a najet do mailu?
Just there. Sit down, please.
Hned tady... Posaďte se.
"Here is the file…"
"Tento připojený dokument...."
One "L"… Not two! Seriously…
"ENT" ne "END"! To je...
I’m going to make some coffee.
Hned jsem zpátky, dojdu si pro kafe.
And we’re not going on Facebook, otherwise…
A ne, že půjdete na Facebook! Protože jinak...
Breathe in… and out.
Nádech... a výdech.
In again… and out.
Nádech! Výdech.
Actually, everything looks fine. It’s just that I’ve never seen this kind of allergy before.
Opravdu, všechno je v pořádku. Jen jsem tenhle typ alergie v životě neviděl.
Never.
Nikdy.
So, will I get better?
Takže se vyléčím?
No. I'll speak to a couple of my colleagues about it but… I don’t know.
Ne. Promluvím si o tom s kolegy, ale... nevím.
Fuck! What the hell?
Sakra!
Oh, you're right.
A jo, to je fakt...
It’s a shame because I just bought it. I was really pleased to...
No ale to je škoda, právě jsem si ho koupil, chtěl jsem ho konečně vyzkoušet.
-No! -Do me a favor?
- Ne! - Udělejte mi radost.
-It burns! -Pretty please?
- To pálí! - Jen maličká...
-Not on me! -Ok.
- Ne na mě! - Ok.
Assholes!
To jsou blbci...
What do you have on your hands?
Co to máš na rukou?
It’s nothing.
Nic tam nemám.
-You have something there... -No, it's nothing.
- Ale jo, něco tam máš. - Nic tam nemám...
So you got a new haircut?
Nemáš nějaké jiné vlasy?
You noticed?
Ty sis toho všiml?
Arthur, catch!
Hej, Arture! Reflex!
Fuck!
Sakra!
The guy’s allergic to technology.
Ten týpek je alergický na technologie!
Wait a minute, how do you go on Facebook, then?
Počkej, a jak chodíš na Facebook?
Uh… I don’t.
Eh... nechodím.
Then how do you go on Snapchat?
A jak je to se Snapchatem?
I… I can’t.
Já... už se tam nedostanu...
And what about porn sites?
Hrůza! A co porno stránky?
Is it contagious? Or...
Je to nakažlivý nebo ne?
I didn’t think about that.
Promiň, ale na tohle jsem vůbec nepomyslel...
Hello Lionel, Stephane on live, I'm near to Arthur
Ano, dobrý den Lioneli, tady naživo Stéphane, jsem jen několik metrů od Artura!
Arthur! How are you? Can I call you Arthur?
Arture! Jak se máš, Arture? Můžu ti říkat Artur?
He’s the first case of technophobia on the planet, allergic to all things technological.
První případ technofobie na světě, alergie na technologie.
So can you tell us about your daily life after coming down with this disease?
Tak, můžeš nám vysvětlit, jak vypadá tvůj každodenní život...
No, l don’t want to talk about it.
Ne, nechci o tom mluvit!
Text messages, e-mails...
Smsky, maily, to všechno...
And porn sites! How do you deal with them?
A pro prasečinky, jak to děláš?
What about porn sites?
Pro prasečinky...
No! No!
Ne! Ne!
Great. Just what I needed. Fuck!
Bezva, přesně tohle jsem potřeboval... Sakra!
I understand.
Rozumím...
I just want to get a book that right there. Just one book!
Jen jednu knížku tam, jen jednu...
Arthur. If you don’t want to work for whatever reason I don’t know of, fine.
Arture. Nemůžete pracovat z důvodů, které se vás týkají... Dobře.
But you could at least make an effort to attend our staff meetings.
Ale aspoň byste se mohl snažit a přijít na schůzi.
Oh, there was a meeting?
Byla nějaká schůze, je tak?
I sent you an email last week.
Byl jste o ní informován minulý týden e-mailem.
I can’t check my email anymore, sir.
Ale já se už nemůžu podívat na své e-maily, pane.
Then soon you won’t be able to see you paycheck, either!
Tak už neuvidíte ani svůj plat.
Yann ?
Yanne?
Arthur! What’s up? We haven’t seen each other for ages.
Arture! Jak se máš? Už jsme se tak dlouho neviděli!
You still have that weird thing?
Pořád máš tu svoji divnou nemoc?
My allergy? Yeah.
Tu alergii, jo.
Damn, it’s so good to see you!
Já tě tak rád vidím!
Same here.
Nápodobně.
I don’t see anybody anymore. It’s crazy! I’m so bored.
Už nikoho nevídám, je to šílený, nudím se doma,
Now I’m reduced to reading synopsis on the backs of my DVD...
omezil jsem se na čtení obsahu filmů na obalech DVD...
Yeah, same here. You weren’t there at Charlotte’s birthday yesterday night.
Nápodobně... Tys včera nebyl na Charlottině oslavě narozenin.
It was great. Why didn’t you come?
Byla to zábava, proč jsi nepřišel?
I didn’t know. You guys did something?
Nevěděl jsem o tom, vy jste něco podnikli?
What? But you were on the Facebook event.
Cože? Vždyť tys byl v té události na Facebooku.
But I can’t go on Facebook.
Ale já se už nedostanu na Facebook.
I also sent you an SMS.
Nedělej se, poslali jsme ti smsky.
I can’t use my phone, Yann.
Nedostanu se ani do svého telefonu, Yanne.
Sorry, I have to go. Call me, okay? Call me.
Promiň, musím jít, zavolej mi!
Okay Google, where do I live?
Dobře Google, kde bydlím?
Fuck...
Nasrat...
Motherfuck! Where the hell is it? Road Sign: Middle of Nowhere.
Sakra, kde to je...
Arthur! What a surprise!
Arture! To je překvapení!
Sorry for missing your birthday, Grandma.
Babi, promiň, že jsem zapomněl na tvoje narozeniny.
No, don’t worry about it. You were busy, it’s fine.
Nic se neděje, měl jsi svého dost, to je normální.
Come in.
Pojď dál!
It’s a pleasure to see you, Arthur. It’s kind of you to come by.
Moc ráda tě vidím, Arture. Je milé, že ses zastavil.
Grandma, I need some advice.
Babi, chtěl bych od tebe několik rad.
How do you live without technology?
Jak to děláš, že žiješ bez technologií?
What do you mean?
Jak to myslíš?
No technology, no computers, no GPS…
Bez technologií, bez počítače, bez GPS...
GPS?
GPS?
It’s an electronic map that tells you where to go.
To jsou elektronické mapy na hledání tras, ty je nemáš, babi?
I use non-electronic maps.
Používám ne-elektronické mapy.
Right. I’m an idiot.
A jo... Já jsem blbec...
Yes.
Ano.
I can’t give you any advice for your disease,
Nemám žádnou radu na tvůj... tu tvoji nemoc.
But I might have a few things for you.
Ale možná mám pro tebe pár věcí.
All of this?
Tohle všechno?
I don’t use them anymore.
Už je nepoužívám.
They might be of some help to you.
Možná se ti budou hodit.
Fuck! Oh, yes!
Sakra! Ó ano!
Police station, hello.
Policejní komisařství, dobrý den.
Yeah ?
Jo?
Yann! It works! I can hear your voice!
Yanne! Ono to funguje! Slyším tvůj hlas!
Come on, say something!
No tak, řekni něco!
-Are you okay? -“Am I okay?”
- Jak se máš? - "Jak se máš?"
Shit, I can hear your voice and you’re not in the same room. This thing is amazing!
Slyším tvůj hlas, nejseš ve stejném pokoji! To je šílený!
Buddy, we have to meet up. Tonight, I’m holding a party.
Kámo, rozhodně se musíme vidět. Dneska večer pořádám párty.
Is that you Arthur ?
To jsi ty, Arture?
And really, tonight...
Vážně, dneska večer...
Oh fuck !
A sakra!
Vinyl records are so great !
Vinylky, to je takovej styl!
They smell like vintage.
Je z nich cítit stáří!
Let’s take a photo. Smile!
Vyfotíme se! Úsměv!
Buddy, I was an asshole for not taking your thing seriously.
Kámo, to ode mě nebylo hezký, že jsem tu tvoji...ten tvůj..
I mean, your disease.
..no tu nemoc, že jsem nebral vážně.
So here. A present to say that I’m sorry.
A tak tumáš, jako omluvu mám pro tebe malý dárek.
So, usually you don’t need to recharge it frequently.
Především, nepotřebuješ ho často nabíjet.
And you can activate it like this.
Můžeš ho spustit takhle.
And then you zoom in like this.
A přibližuješ takhle.
It’s really well-made.
Je to skvěle udělaný!
And it’s tactile, too?
A takže je to dotykové?
Exactly. Everything is touch-operated. You turn the pages like this.
Přesně! Všechno je dotykové, stránky procházíš takhle.
It’s really well-made.
To je skvěle udělaný.
Thanks.
Děkuju.
It’s not xHamster but it’s the best that I could find.
Není to xHamster, ale lepší jsem nenašel.
It’s been a long time. Note: I’m in the archive room.
Už je to dlouho...
It’s a mess in here. Everything needs to be arranged. Really…
Tady je takový bordel, potřebuje to uspořádat, vážně!
Arthur? Right. You’re arranging everything.
Arture? A jo, to je fakt, že rovnáš všechno.
Did you come across the contract from our Chinese supplier, by any chance?
Nenašel bys náhodou tu smlouvu od našeho čínského dodavatele?
-That’s great! -I found it this morning.
- Ó, to je bezva! - Našel jsem ji dnes ráno!
You’re a life-saver! Thank you!
Zachránil jsi mi život, děkuju!
Boss...
... Pane Terriere...
Yes, are you looking for something?
Ano, hledáte něco?
Arthur, we’ve heard a lot about you these last few weeks.
Arture, poslední týdny se o vás hodně mluví.
You are officially the first recorded case of technophobia.
Jste oficiálně prvním případem technofobie.
Yes, that’s right.
Ano, přesně tak.
Can you explain to us what that means?
Můžete nám vysvětlit, co to je?
I am allergic to technology.
Jsem alergický na technologie.
So, I can no longer touch computers, tablets, smartphones, nothing at all.
Takže se nemůžu dotýkat počítače, tabletu, smartphonu, ničeho.
No! Hell no!
To ne!
All of the young viewers watching us now would consider that a real nightmare.
Všichni mladí, kteří nás teď sledují, si musejí myslet, že to je opravdová noční můra!
They are right, in a way.
Mají pravdu, dalo by se to tak říct.
Yes, ladies! I win!
Ano děvčata, vyhrál jsem!
No, you cheated! Show me your cards!
Ne, ukaž karty!
I didn’t cheat!
Nepodváděl jsem!
So you’re not going to buy the latest iPhone?
Takže asi nepropadnete příštímu iPhonu?
No, not at all. For this, I’ll be able to save some money instead.
Ne, z tohoto pohledu aspoň ušetřím.
No, I don’t want it! Put it down. It’s yours now. It’s a present.
Ne, já to nechci! To je dárek!
We all want to know
Všichni chceme vědět.
How do we live with technophobia?
Jak se žije s technofobií?
How do we live with technophobia?
Jak se žije s technofobií?
No, not again!
Ale ne, už ne!
We manage somehow. Written by Cyprien, With the help of Julien Josselin. Music Nodey: Claudette Walker Maurice Barthélémy, Director: Théodore Bonnet, Director Photo: Vladimir Boudnikoff, Assistant Director: Antoine Barillot.
Člověk si zvykne.
Director of Production: Paul Esteves, Production Manager: Agnés Lepeu, François Legrand, Project Leader: Julien Allard, Production: IDZ Laurence Ferrari, Chief Operator: Antoine Caracci, Mixing: Sam Dekyndt. Makeup Artists: Justine Vandenbussche, Sonia Allal, Romane de Luca, SFX Artist: Christophe Pizetta, Ludovik, Stylist: Mathilde Bordes, Ndélie Hébert, Props: Alexia Rosanis, Kevin Delefoise. Marjorie Le Noan, Lead Graphics Designer: Guillaume Griffoni, Graphics Designer: Quentin Cavadaski, Calibration: Ines Tabarin.
Julien Pestel, Technology Manager: Dan Da Silva, Director: Bertrand Fecci, John Thenard, Assistant Plateau: Baba Samangaray. Natoo/Jhon Rachid/Pvnova Squeezie.
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