2 MILLION COOKIES FOR MY 2 MILLION SUBSCRIBBLERSYouTube↗  IA↗(long shot)
Film & Animation  3.5M views 209.1K likes 1.2K dislikes   26 Mar 2019
Joana Ceddia 3.3M subscribers N/A YouTube↗


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It had finally happened
Ca c'est finalement passé.
I hit 2 million subscribers
J'ai 2 millions de followers
I remember it like it was yesterday
Je m'en rappelle comme si c'était hier.
It was Monday, March 18th, and I had finished eating breakfast just in time for this event I was obviously ecstatic
C'est lundi le 18 mars Et j'ai eu fini de déjeuner juste à temps pour ça
I wondered to myself how I would ever get through the school day with something so monumental
Nagging at the back of my mind. How would I ever focus in chem?
Or Calculus? But these questions did not live for long before something else dawned on me-
something much more d i r e
Now, I presume that you're literate and clicked on this video because you read the title
So you know what happens in the end.
However, in that moment I was asking myself:
What on God's green earth am I going to do to celebrate this milestone?
Do I bite the bullet and bake cookies into oblivion?
It's certainly what the masses wanted and you know what I say-
You ask, I answer. So, ladies and gents, I present to you this mess of a video.
Now, I think it's worth asking Should I be making this video?
Obviously not. Is this a good use of my time?
Also, no But guess what After a good two seconds of pondering the pros and cons-
I've made up my mind that I would in fact do this video
So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:
2 million cookies for my 2 million subscribers.
What's up, my dudes?
So today begins the madness of baking If you can recall from last time, this video was not so much of a fun experience
So I went all out in the hopes of having a better time
I just got back from the dollar store with my mother because we had to pick up two things:
1. I got two of these baking sheets
Making this video with just one baking sheet would just be criminal and so painful.
and 2. I got four of these plastic containers
To store the unholy amount of cookies that I'm about to make
I also purchased... Get this, three standalone mixers off of Amazon because my greatest
Downfall last time came from the fact that I had to hand mix everything and it took ages
So this was my solution.
Now, they're not those fancy KitchenAid stand alone mixers because those are really expensive
And I'm not about to spend like three thousand dollars on one video
So I had to do with these, they're 50 dollars each. You heard that right.
Do they work? Only time will tell on that one. And do they smell kind of off?
Yeah, but what was I expecting for $50?
and with that I baked and baked and baked.
Now these next clips originally had audio to them but here's what happened
I thought I would be cute and used two microphones from now on because they have two million subs and I would just keep going
And going until I had a small colony of microphones
But for some reason they stopped working and now I'm left with a series of soundless clips. Don't worry. You didn't miss much
So I'll just narrate what the hell is happening. The recipe in question called for 1 and 1/3 cups of all-purpose flour
After that half a teaspoon of salt but WAIT.
it was at this moment that I made my first mistake
I was not supposed to use the standalone mixer for the dry ingredients.
Nay, I was supposed to use a regular glass bowl and hand mix it
So I transferred everything and got back to baking.
Time for the baking soda, 1/2 a teaspoon of it. Whisk everything together and set it to the side.
Now is the exciting part, we get to use the weapons.
In the mixers' bowl, put one whole stick of butter and then melt it.
Once you have the bowl of fat put in 1/2 cup of sugar, 1 whole egg
I got too excited with the egg and rendered the first one useless.
And one teaspoon of vanilla extract
Then, the madness begins. Use your mixer to mix everything together as violently as possible
I have to admit, the addition of three standalone mixers to my team had its advantages and disadvantages as predicted.
Yes, they saved a lot of time and muscle power, but they also happen to be the worst standalone mixers I have ever bought.
For starters, the mixer itself is just a handheld mixer that is held over a bowl.
Great design, geniuses!
And second of all, the mixers teeth don't even reach the centre of the bowl!
They just stay to one side like nervous Nellies and don't mix anything
So I have to manually push the batter to that side
But nevertheless I went through the recipe thrice and produced a butt ton of batter before I sat down to craft my cookies.
Now this... This is by far the worst part of this whole process. It's meticulous. It's tedious. It's mind-numbing
I despise it, but the cookies are not going to make themselves
So I had to manually make them. Similar to the other cookie videos I've made, I'm making nipple cookies
The only bad part about this whole situation is that it's double the work.
After you handcraft each one, you have to go back and put a singular chocolate chip on each one.
Like I said before; it's prisoners' work
I was quickly going through my supplies. I was making progress, lots of it.
Some things worth mentioning
It was very hard to not eat the raw batter -
But then I remembered all those medical horror stories on TLC about Ecoli and how it throws a mini Coachella in your body if you eat raw eggs -
- so I stopped.
No. 2, my mom came down at around 7 p.m to start making dinner.
She was making pasta with tomato sauce
Yes, TOMATO SAUCE. I could not believe I had to share kitchen space with such a demonic fruit.
And no. 3, I was keeping track of all the cookies I'd made by recording them on my whiteboard.
Each time I went through the recipe I was able to make about 1 to 2 trays of approximately 160 cookies each
They were very tiny though. It was like making tiny chocolate chip cookie cereal.
Actually, that's not the worst thing I've ever heard. Oreos needs to get on that.
It was 7 p.m when the poop really hit the fan. As you can probably guess, I was getting fatigued
I definitely do not have cooking endurance, and it was coming out in this activity
We still had what felt like a metric ton of batter to go through, so my parents stepped in to help for the millionth time
First my mother, we were becoming fluent in the art of cookie making. We were pumping out those turds with the vigor and zest of GORDON RAMRAM
My dad saw the war we were waging and decided to step in
Our battle plan? Me, the wounded warrior shaping and molding those little cookies with my bare hands
While my parents assigned to one chocolate chip for every cookie
This was when the engines really started turning. My dad got fancy
He started using two hands to make the cookies while using the cabinet in front of him for head support.
My mother, she was just along for the ride, which was still great.
It was nearly 10 p.m when we finished for the day
We cleaned up my mess and got ready for the next day
Which was sure to bring more trials and tribulations our way.
Now the next morning, I woke up with the memories of yesterday still fresh in my head
It was still the school week So I wouldn't be able to continue my cookie endeavours any time soon,
but that didn't stop me from thinking about the mad fun I was having.
The battle I was engaged in in the kitchen was transcending boundaries
It was too exciting. After I got out of school, we had some errands to run
We were running low on supplies
So my mom and I hit the local grocery store to stock up.
Hello, my dudes
So we're raiding the grocery store for supplies because we ran out of a couple things
My mom and I, we're working together here. You need butter and eggs.
And butter and eggs, did we find
I also took this opportunity to grab some extra sugar and flour.
Soon enough, we were back in our car and are on our way to another evening of cooking
*small laugh* And so day 2 begins.
Today, our goal is to finish the bin I was filling up yesterday and then fill up another one
And hopefully half of another one yet
So, today's gonna be a fat day. You know, a lot's gonna happen, a lot's gonna go down. And I just hope that you're picking it up
*weird grunt* I've literally been eating cookies this entire day
It's not a good situation, but it's also my best decision yet. So, I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
Anyways, let's begin
Y U M M Y And cookies did I bake
The goal today? Speed. I was plowing through the batter and spilling out cookies with a speed that has not yet been seen on this planet.
I was no rookie. I was a professional and I did not come to play.
On a side note, I forgot to mention this yesterday, but I spilled the vanilla extract all over the recipe
Hey, Joanna, last video called and they want you to spill the vanilla YET AGAIN
Anyways, I charged forward. The cookies weren't going to make themselves
I would also like to thank all the people who alerted me to the toxicity of aluminum foil after my last video.
Turns out if you use aluminum foil instead of wax paper to bake...
You will turn into the tin man's evil cousin: the aluminum man.
Update, so I've been baking for about 30 minutes now, and I'm happy to report that I've burnt my first batch
Look at this. We have three boobs just stuck together. I've also been eating way too many cookies
I'm on the keto cookie diet, in case you didn't know that.
So, 60 to 70 percent of my calories comes from cookies and the rest comes from avocado toast
I kept on going, bins were filling up, cookies were being baked
I got a bit explorative and decided to try to half the total amount of butter
Why? Oh, because there was butter everywhere!
On my hands, on my tripod, on my camera, on my phone. You name it, it was on it.
I had also devised a really dope playlist to get me through the baking process
I would like to share it with you now. I mean, who knows if there's anyone out there making 2 million cookies. Maybe this could help you too.
First off, Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs. This song is incredible
It gives me xylophone vibes, but in a very good way I can imagine that this is what Tame Impala would sound like in the 1980s.
Next up we have the devil herself: Madonna with Hung Up
Actually, the amount of people who legitimately think Madonna is Satan is alarming.
OK, I need to stop talking before I stir the pot of controversy.
This song, all I can say is...
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAaaaaa
It's great. It's beyond amazing.
I feel like walking into the bank to deposit $1.00... It's THAT good
Next one's a classic
September by Earth Wind & Fire If the world was ending, I would listen to this song as everything descended into absolute chaos around me.
And if you disagree with me, go set yourself on fire you pyromaniac
Even the mixers were dancing! It doesn't get much better than that.
Now, we're getting a little bit more modern
We have Talk Fast by 5 Seconds of Summer.
Now, I was never a very big fan of their earlier work, but their latest album slaps and goes so hard.
This song is no exception
Moving right along! Now we have what I believe is Billie Eilish's best song: When I Was Older
It's so hauntingly beautiful and incredible and you have to listen to it.
And mind you, I'm kind of over my Billie Eilish phase. So this is unexpected, even for me
We're taking it even farther back to the 70s now with RASpuTiN
Not going to lie, this song is funky and weird in all the wrong places, but man is it G R O O V Y.
You also feel like a badass when you listen to this song. So there's that added benefit
And finally, we have HYMmnnmn for the Weekend by Coldplay
Fun fact! Beyonce makes an unexpected appearance in this song and it's the most beautiful thing ever
I hate how people kind of forgot about Coldplay.
Like, they're only there for Viva la Vida and once their castles built on pillars of salt and sand collapsed,
They were gone. Guess what, Saint Peter definitely won't call your name if you do that again.
Anyways, it was around 6:15 p.m
When my PG-13 rave ended and I, I was still motivated
*VERY LOUD WHIRRING* *yelling* THIS IS WHAT GREETS YOU AT THE GATES OF HELL. SO THIS IS THE MADNESS THAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW. AND I APOLOGIZE FOR MY SCREAMING BUT THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I THINK YOU GUYS CAN HEAR ME.
We're about 13 batches in and we're going strong
We've made a butt ton of cookies already But we still have all these to fill. So you know what, I'm keeping my head up
We still have a long way to go Flash-forward about 45 minutes
I had made the executive decision to make a bunch of batter first and then go on to make the cookies.
I made 13 times worth of the recipe! There was so much batter it was honestly offensive.
But nevertheless I began the painstaking process of crafting each cookie
At the beginning, it wasn't that bad I was flying through the task at hand and having fun.
I could tell a visible growth in the number of cookies I had
They were growing, expanding like some sort of disease.
Suddenly everyone would become infected and their brains would just be one giant cookie.
BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT We even had our own dance party. We're very graceful specimens
I don't know what else to tell you, but it didn't take long before the reality of the situation hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I had been baking cookies for nearly two hours and I had barely made a dent in the amount of batter I had.
So, obviously, I was panicking. So in came my parents to save the day.
My dad and I started first because my mother...
Ok so here's what happened. Earlier, she got excited when she saw that I was baking cookies and decided to steal a couple of them
What ensued was the greatest sugar rush in mother Goose history. She was air guitaring to Fleetwood Mac
Like there was no tomorrow and it was beyond hilarious
So, unfortunately my dad and I had to pick up the slack and bake those darn cookies ourselves.
Not gonna lie, we were really effective at doing this. I would mold the cookies and he would place the chocolate chips
We were making large dents in the amount of batter we had.
it was impressive and inspiring to say the least
The first batch went into the oven, then the second, the fourth, seventh, 19th, the nth number,
The w, the yellow one, the one with dots, WE LOST COUNT and we didn't want to count because all that mattered was the dwindling batter
and the growing bins of biscuits.
My dad took a break and my mother stepped in to help. We were so pumped that we even belted out Bohemian Rhapsody in
A beautiful performance *incoherent mumble-singing*
MAMA OOOoooOOO (rutabega???)
It was nearly 12 a.m when we finished baking. It was way past my bedtime
I was still electric from this exciting night of baking
But I remembered that I had school the next day, so I decided to call it a day and go to bed.
Now, this is where the story gets slightly tricky
Any normal human being would have stopped this madness right now after yesterday night's moments of chaos.
But am I a normal human being? No.
There were still three sticks of butter just chilling in the fridge
And I felt this sudden urge to use them to make one last batch of cookies
So, after school that day, my mom brought me some more eggs and I got to baking
On this day, my parents were busy
So I would not be getting any extra help. It was all up to me
I baked two recipes worth of the batter and got to making the cookies
At this point I was just eager for this video to be over but there was still some indeterminable
Infallible and indefinable urge to use up all my resources, i.e the butter.
So I had to keep going. I sleep walked my way through six trays worth of cookies
And finally I was down to my last stick of butter. The light at the end of the tunnel was coming into sight
It was the final stretch, the last hurrah. This is where it all started falling apart
For some stupid reason, the batter was completely dry
So when I was putting the chocolate chips on the cookie, they were breaking apart and cracking. It was disastrous.
So, I had to improvise
I baked the cookies the way they were; chocolate chip-less.
This is where it gets nasty, so you have been warned.
I then just threw some chocolate chips on the tray and let their heat melt the chocolate so that it covered the cookies
Let me just say, it was a bloodbath. It was the worst thing I think I've ever done
But, it didn't end there. There was still enough batter left to make two more trays worth of cookies
So, I split it up into two portions. The first half, I added some extra butter so that it wouldn't be dry
I also added the chips because I was tired of meticulously placing one chip on each cookie
I thought this was gonna work. I thought this is gonna be genius
Well, it wasn't because what ended up happening was that once I microwaved the batter to melt the butter
It also ended up melting the chips Now It just looked like straight-up poop. The other half I mixed in the chips
But did not microwave it so that I wouldn't end up with the same mess.
It ended up working. Another 30 minutes passed and I had crafted all my cookies
It was finished. Now all that was left was to bake them. And after six minutes of baking, they were finished
I was finally done with this activity. What the hell do we do now?
No one knows. And what can you do with this video? I also have no idea.
On a more serious note however, I owe you all a big fat thank you. Thank you so much for 2 million subs
I was ecstatic when I hit 1 million so 2 million seems unreal to me now
The fact that I can do this and have a platform is mind-boggling for me
And I am eternally indebted to all of you for this opportunity. So once again, thank you
I have one last piece of information to share with you all
I was extremely curious about what effect this whole cookie extravaganza had on my health
So, I asked my dad to measure my blood sugar levels. You might be wondering
Joanna why on earth do you have a blood glucose meter if neither you nor anyone in your family is diabetic?
Well My dad decided to buy one to manage his diet and I thought I would try it out to see exactly what effect it had on my body.
Now, to measure this you have to prick yourself. I hate needles. So this is extremely hard for me
My heart goes out to anyone who has to do this on a daily basis *screaming and various forms of "NO"* NO! OHMYGODAAAAAAAA
Anyways, after 30 minutes of struggling I finally pricked my finger.
And the results, a whopping seven point nine
For context, my average for fasting blood sugar level is four point five. So, it nearly doubled
Anyways, I thought that was a fun little piece of information to share with you all. So, that's it.
That's the end of the video. I love you and I'll see you all in the next one
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