I'm Still Processing It... Kati Morton English (auto-generated) English

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Education 274.5K views 17.6K likes 392 dislikes 11 May 2020

Kati Morton 1.5M subscribers United States YouTube↗

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hey everybody um i asked a lot of you on

- Hey everybody, I asked a lot of you on Instagram

instagram because i if i should make another video like this

if I should make another video like this,

because I had more stuff to say.

i had more stuff to say oh my god i'm

Oh my god, I'm already feeling like I'm gonna cry,

already feeling like i'm gonna cry and my eye is twitching which is also

and my eye is twitching, which is also awesome.

awesome um but i think the thing that i wanted

But I think the thing that I wanted to talk about,

to talk about just to get it out there maybe to validate

just to get it out there, maybe to validate,

hopefully also it's just helpful for me um is to

hopefully, also it's just helpful for me,

talk about like how things are shifting

is to talk about how things are shifting.

and i know a lot of people are excited because

And I know a lot of people are excited

things are reopening

because things are reopening in certain states

in certain states and countries um but i'm i still am like worried and i think it's

and countries, but I still am worried.

there's a couple of points to this so

And I think there's a couple of points to this.

the first is like is it like do i want to go out like

So the first is, do I wanna go out?

should i just wait a little bit while

Should I just wait a little bit

everybody else goes out and see if we

while everybody else goes out and see if we have

have another wave of um the coronavirus or like is how is

another wave of the coronavirus?

treatment coming along

How is treatment coming along?

is there a vaccine that's gonna happen

Is there a vaccine that's gonna happen?

like all of that stuff still

All of that stuff still stresses me out,

stresses me out hence why i think my eye

hence why I think my eye is twitching.

is twitching and then the next thing is like i'm sad

And then the next thing is, I'm sad, so sad.

so sad i don't know if you guys feel

I don't know if you guys feel this way too,

this way too but it's like i feel like i'm constantly grieving parts of

but I feel like I'm constantly grieving

life like i love to travel you guys know

parts of life. I love to travel, you guys know I travel

i travel a lot for work whether it's um coming to speak

a lot for work, whether it's coming to speak,

like i was supposed to be speaking at oshkosh

like I was supposed to be speaking at OshKosh in Wisconsin,

in wisconsin and then i was supposed to

and then I was supposed to be going

be going to the university of denver i

to the University of Denver I believe,

believe and both of those things were canceled

and both of those things were canceled.

and i love to meet you i love to see you

And I love to meet you, I love to see you,

vidcon was canceled um and i don't know

VidCon was canceled, and I don't know

if those things will ever come back i

if those things will ever come back.

even bought tickets to go see george strait cause i'm a huge

I even bought tickets to go see George Strait,

country music fan if you don't know

'cause I'm a huge country music fan, if you don't know,

and i'm like is that that can't happen

and that can't happen, and even if it does,

and even if it does do i want to be a

do I wanna be a part of it?

part of it and so i think that's what makes me

And so I think that's what makes me really sad

really sad is like i thrive on community i thrive on

is I thrive on community, I thrive on connection,

connection and i don't know if that's going to

and I don't know if that's going to exist

exist in the way that it used to and

in the way that it used to.

then i feel again kind of like i talked

And then I feel, again, kind of like I talked about before,

about before then i immediately feel like well you

then I immediately feel like you shouldn't

shouldn't be feeling this way

be feeling this way.

a you haven't gotten sick b you haven't

A, you haven't gotten sick, B, you haven't lost someone

lost someone to the virus

to the virus, who are you?

like who are you i'm also not a first responder or a front line worker in any

I'm also not a first responder or a frontline worker

way and then that makes me feel bad and then

in any way, and then that makes me feel bad.

you know then i worry about people in my

And then I worry about the people in my life who are,

life who are and it's like this weird privileged but yet still upset

and it's this weird privileged, but yet still upset feeling.

feeling and i don't know if that

And I don't know if that resonates with any of you,

resonates with any of you but it's like how much grief can we handle at one time

but it's like how much grief can we handle at one time?

right like if we if you have been unfortunate

If you have been unfortunate enough

enough to lose someone to this then how do we grieve that as well as like

to lose someone to this, then how do we grieve that as well as what our life is gonna look like?

what our life is gonna look like because sean and i talk a lot about like

'Cause Sean and I talk a lot about,

you know we still want to travel still

we still want to travel, still want to see you,

want to see you still want to do things

still want to do things, still want to explore

still want to explore the world in different cultures

the world and different cultures.

and i'm like how long till we can

And I'm like, how long 'til we can do that again,

do that again and what does that look

and what does that look like?

like and does that mean that i'm always

And does that mean that I'm always

wearing gloves and a mask i

wearing gloves and a mask?

honestly hate the masks not because um

I honestly hate the masks, not because

i think they're stupid or anything like

I think they're stupid or anything like that,

that but it the thing that i enjoy the

but the thing that I enjoy the most

most is smiles from strangers

is smiles from strangers.

you know when you're like walking into

You know when you're walking into Starbucks,

starbucks or any kind of uh even on the street just

or even on the street.

us walking around now like sean and i've

Just walking around now, Sean and I

gone on a couple of walks

have gone on a couple of walks,

very limited we stay more than six feet

very limited, we stay more than six feet

apart from everyone we wear our masks

apart from everyone, we wear our masks.

but you can't even smile at strangers i

But you can't even smile at strangers.

like overtly i'm like high like waving so

I am overtly like, "Hi," waving so that they don't,

that they don't i don't know it's a weird i don't know

I don't know, it's a weird, I don't know how

how to like passively engage with people which

to passively engage with people,

i think is an easy

which I think is an easy way.

way i've talked about this when it comes

I've talked about this when it comes to social anxiety,

to like social anxiety a lot of my

a lot of my patients and viewers alike

patients and viewers alike who struggle with this

who struggle with this, one of the first things

one of the first things i have them do

I have them do is I'm like, "I'd like you

is i'm like i'd like you to make eye contact and smile at a stranger that's

"to make eye contact and smile at a stranger."

an easy door opening to connection and doing it

That's an easy door opening to connection,

safely without having to come up

and doing it safely without having to come up

with things to say or worried about that

with things to say, or worried about that.

and i feel like for me that's a huge way

And I feel like, for me, that's a huge way

that i connect with my community like in life

that I connect with my community, in life.

and that's really bumming me out and

And that's really bumming me out.

then you know like shawn's family lives in

And then Sean's family lives in Canada,

canada how long until

how long 'til they open the borders?

they open the borders when will you be

When will we be able to see them?

able to see them and so anyway

And so, anyway, all of that to say

all of that just to say that i feel overwhelmed with grief

that I feel overwhelmed with grief.

and i know i'd like to come on here and

And I know, I'd like to come on here

be excited and be like oh things are

and be excited and be like, "Oh things are gonna open,

going to open and it's going to be great but i feel like i can't

"and it's gonna be great," but I feel like I can't.

i can't and then it's sad and then i'm

really bummed out and i don't want to be

And then it's sad, and then I'm really bummed out,

and I don't wanna be a downer,

because i think the therapist and just

because I think the therapist and creator in me

creator in me is like no let's come up with resources and

is just like, "No, let's come up with resources and tools."

tools but i'm kind of sick of that [ __ ]

But I'm kinda sick of that shit.

i'm kind of tired of people being like

I'm kind of tired of people being like,

five ways to best manage your mornings

"Five ways to best manage your mornings."

i'm like dude sometimes i don't want to get out of bed

I'm like, "Dude, sometimes I don't want to get out of bed,

sometimes i'm super wiped like the

"sometimes I'm super wiped.

thought of having to work on top of just

"The thought of having to work on top of just

managing being is is enough and overwhelming enough

"managing being is enough, and overwhelming enough."

anyway i don't know if you feel like

that but that's sometimes how i feel

Anyway, I don't know if you feel like that, but that's sometimes how I feel.

and i feel like the thing that i'm

And I feel like the thing that I'm hoping

hoping to give you because i'm trying to

to give you, because I'm trying to give it to myself,

give it to myself is just permission to just be and to feel how

is just permission to just be,

and to feel how you feel, to be sad

to be sad about what you feel sad about

about what you feel sad about,

because our life is different and it's

because our life is different.

things never stay the same thank god we

And things never stay the same, thank god,

can change right we can grow we can adapt but i had a one of my

we can change, we can grow, we can adapt.

patreon live streams last month raymond who's a member of our

But I had, one of my Patreon live streams last month,

Raymond, who's a member of our community,

asked a question about adjustment

asked a question about adjustment disorder,

disorder and it really made me think

and it really made me think about the way

about the way that we can look at this sorry

that we can think about this.

i'm making i'm a mess

Sorry, I'm making, I'm a mess.

because in therapy and in psychology we

(sniffles) Because in therapy, and in psychology,

talk about how things can happen to us and within six months of something happening

we talk about how things can happen to us, and within six months of something happening,

um you know we can go through a period

we can go through a period of time,

of time we call it adjustment disorder

we call it adjustment disorder.

and i don't know the full diagnostic

And I don't know the full diagnostic criteria

criteria off the top of my head

off the top of my head, and frankly my memory's

and frankly my memory is not is what it

not what it used to be right now.

used to be right now so

So you can look that up.

you can look that up i have a whole

I have a whole video about it.

video about it i'll link that in the description

I'll link that in the description.

um but it made me think about this a

But it made me think about this a little bit differently,

little bit differently because it's like we're all in this adjustment period and some of us

because it's like we're all in this adjustment period,

will come out of this with ptsd symptoms because that's kind of

and some of us will come out of this with PTSD symptoms,

because that's kinda part of that.

if we can't like get back to normal and

If we can't get back to normal and manage it,

it can lead to that.

it can lead to that and some of us might

And some of us might stay in it longer,

stay in it longer and i honestly don't even like to bring dsm

and I honestly don't even like to bring DSM into it,

into it because i feel like in

because I feel like in situations like this,

in situations like this like world wide pandemics

worldwide pandemics, we don't know,

we don't know we don't have any past experience in our lifetimes of dealing

we don't have any past experience in our lifetimes

of dealing with this.

and so it's like i don't want to say oh

And so I don't wanna say, "Oh in six months,

in six months this should be better or

"this should be better," or "In a year."

I don't really know.

i don't really know and i think

And I think, I don't know that just gave me

i don't know that just gave me a different frame to think of you know hey this huge boulder's been rolled through

a different frame to think of, hey this huge boulder's

been rolled through our town,

and we're just trying to figure out how

and we're just tryin' to figure out,

do we stay safe from it and then how do

how do we stay safe from it?

we prepare after

And then how do we repair after?

and we don't have to have all the

And we don't have to have all the answers,

answers it's like just one thing at a time um

it's just one thing at a time.

but the one thing that has helped me

But the one thing that has helped me,

maybe this will help you too i know last

and maybe this will help you too,

time i think i talked about like thought

I know last time I talked about thought stopping

stopping and how that's been beneficial

and how that's been beneficial,

but another thing is like not running

but another thing is not running away

away from the the worry thoughts and i know that

from the worry thoughts.

sounds like the opposite of thought

And I know that sounds like the opposite

stopping but what i really mean is

of thought stopping, but what I really mean

i find that i'll just zone out like

is I find that I'll just zone out, immediately.

immediately like i can't be alone with my thoughts i'll be like on my phone

I can't be alone with my thoughts, I'll be on my phone,

like instagram tick tock all that stuff

Instagram, TikTok, all that stuff, all the time,

like all the time or i'll just like zone into work just as a way to

or I'll just zone into work, just as a way to distract.

distract and so

And so instead of doing that,

instead of doing that i've been trying to allow myself to just feel it

I've been trying to allow myself to just feel it,

to be sad about it to

to be sad about it, to be sad that I won't be able

to be sad that i won't be able to see my friends and family like i'd like and i miss hugs from people

to see my friends and family like I'd like. And I miss hugs from people, and conversations face-to-face.

and conversations face to face like i

was talking with sean about how i'm sad

I was talking with Sean about I'm sad

most about not being able to um

most about not being able to have dinner

have like dinner and drinks with friends

and drinks with friends, out,

like out because how can you do that with a mask and like

because how can you do that with a mask?

are how are restaurants gonna work

How are restaurants gonna work?

and who do you see and not see and are

And who do you see and not see?

people taking it seriously do you get

Are people takin' it seriously?

together with them what's the risk like

Do you get together with them?

there's so many questions do i maybe

What's the risk? There's so many questions.

have it and i can pass it on to a

Do I maybe have it and I can pass it on

un knowing person in the right i don't

to an unknowing person?

know there's just so much to

There's just so much to worry about,

to worry about and i know i'm rambling

and I know I'm rambling, and I'm sorry.

and i'm sorry i don't know if this is

I don't know if this is making any sense either.

making any sense either that's how i

That's how I felt last time.

felt last time like does this even make

Like, is this even making any sense?

it any sense but i think the overall message is feel how you feel it's okay if you're

But I think the overall message is feel how you feel, it's okay.

not feeling super excited

If you're not feeling super excited about this, that's okay.

about this that's okay if you're feeling really angry that's okay

If you're feeling really angry, that's okay.

um i think i've been feeling super

I think I've been feeling super grouchy.

grouchy like in this last

In this last couple of weeks,

couple of weeks i've gone through these periods where i'll feel like a toddler

I've gone through these periods where

like sean will ask like

I'll feel like a toddler.

you know hey what do you want for dinner

Sean will ask, "Hey, what do you want for dinner?"

and i'm like i don't want anything i

And I'm like, "I don't want anything!

don't want anything in this house i

"I don't want anything in this house!

don't want to do i

"I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna make it,

don't want to make it i want to clean it

"I don't wanna clean it, I don't wanna."

i don't want to i don't i just don't

I just don't want.

want it's like the the inner child of me is just mad

It's like the inner child of me is just mad

that i'm i feel stuck and i know

that I feel stuck, and I know everybody's like,

everybody's like oh you're not stuck at

"Oh you're not stuck at home, you're safe at home."

home you're safe at home i i [ __ ] know that but i don't need

I fuckin' know that, but I don't need

that to be rammed down my throat i just

that to be rammed down my throat,

need to be able to be upset and sad

I just need to be able to be upset and sad,

because i think the anger for me

'cause I think the anger, for me,

and i'd be interested to hear in the

and I'd be interested to hear in the comments

comments what you think but i think

what you think, but I think the anger, for me,

the anger for me is actually hiding my sadness and the grief of what used to be and how

is actually hiding my sadness, and the grief of what used to be, and how easy it was

easy it was to show up at an event like

to just show up at an event like a VidCon

a vidcon where you have 30 000 people

where you have 30000 people there,

there and be so excited to get to hug each and

and be so excited to get to hug each and every one of you,

every one of you take pictures meet people um i don't know if that's going to go

take pictures, meet people, and I don't know

back to the way that it was i don't know

if that's gonna go back to the way it was.

if those events will be able to

I don't know if those events will be able to continue.

continue i'm super grateful that i went to playlist live at the very end of

I'm super grateful that I went to Playlist Live

february is like the last event i was

at the very end of February, it was the last event

I was able to go to.

and i'm glad that i did because i at

And I'm glad that I did, 'cause I at least

least got to do that one last time um

got to do that one last time.

anyway so i'm just sad and i think in

Anyway, so I'm just sad.

all this rush to reopen

And I think in all this rush to reopen,

and i know if any of you are hurting

and I know if any of you are hurting financially,

financially i i am so sorry i feel for you also know

I am so sorry, I feel for you.

that there's the crisis text line and

Also know that there's the Crisis Text line,

better help and talk space online

and BetterHelp, and Talkspace Online Therapy,

therapy resources are for you

resources there for you.

um i know it's a hard time trust me i'm

I know it's a hard time.

not doing my best either

Trust me, I'm not doin' my best either.

but we don't have to rush to feel

But we don't have to rush to feel better.

better and i don't mean like we should

And I don't mean we should wallow in it,

wallow in it because i've been distracted distraction has its place

'cause I've been, distraction has its place.

but i also think it's okay to feel it

But I also think it's okay to feel,

and to to talk honestly about it i'd

and to talk honestly about it.

encourage all of us to talk honestly

I'd encourage all of us to talk honestly about it.

about it well i love a good meme

While I love a good meme, and I share those

um and i share those on instagram all the time

on Instagram all the time, but I think

but i think that what i need now is like real conversations about how hard it is

that what I need now is real conversations

and why we're why we are angry why we

about how hard it is, and why we are angry,

are sad why why it is sometimes hard to get out

why we are sad, why it is sometimes hard

of bed or it's hard to

to get out of bed, or it's hard to engage.

engage and i'm supposed to create and that makes it even

And I'm supposed to create, and that makes it even harder,

harder um because i like can't focus

'cause I can't focus.

like i said it's like i can't always remember the things like i

Like I said, I can't always remember the things

used to and then i feel like i'm an

like I used to, and then I feel like I'm an idiot,

idiot and then you know

and then, you know, thought spirals.

thought spirals and then i'm like no no

And then I'm like, "No, no, we're doing our best."

we're doing our best so i just want to tell you you're doing your best and we're in it

So I just wanna tell you, you're doing your best,

and we're in it together.

like i said like i want to have all the

Like I said, I wanna have all the answers,

answers but we we've never dealt with

but we've never dealt with anything like this.

anything like this i still don't know how to cope i just know tools that

I still don't know how to cope.

I just know tools that help with stress,

stress and anxiety and i'm just trying

and anxiety, and I'm just trying to implement those.

to implement those i've been trying meditation i'll

I've been tryin' meditation, I'll release a video

release a video about that soon um but

about that soon.

overall it's okay to be where you are i think um

But overall, it's okay to be where you are.

the connection has helped a little bit

I think the connection has helped a little bit,

but i'm also kind of burnt out from

but I'm also kinda burnt out from Zoom

zooms and stuff like that just because it's just weird um but we're in that

and stuff like that, just because it's just weird.

But we're in that adjustment period,

period and i think we're gonna be in it

and I think we're gonna be in it for a while,

for a while and so i'm just trying to

and so I'm just tryin' to figure out how

figure out how to grapple with that

to grapple with that.

and i hope you know this makes some

And I hope this makes some sense to some of you,

sense to some of you or is helpful in some way

or is helpful in some way, because I don't know.

because i don't know everybody's like oh we'll get back to normal and i don't

Everybody's like, "Oh we'll get back to normal."

i don't know if we will i don't know if

And I don't know if we will.

we will in the way that we

I don't know if we will in the way that we think.

that we think i think it's a new normal

I think it's a new normal, and I'm still trying

and i'm still trying to put together

to put together what that looks like.

what that looks like and hopefully that includes a lot of community contact

And hopefully that includes a lot of community contact

in a way that's safe and hopefully that includes uh you know

in a way that's safe, and hopefully that includes

connection in one way or another and

connection in one way or another,

i don't know new experiences new

and I don't know, new experiences, new adventures.

adventures but i'm still trying to piece it together um

But I'm still trying to piece it together.

yeah anyway that's where i'm at

Yeah, anyway, that's where I'm at.

and i'd be interested where you're at

And I'd be interested where you're at.

maybe i'm overreacting that's

Maybe I'm overreacting, that's possible.

possible i you know haven't really left my house in like 50 days

I haven't really left my house in 50 days.

which is just crazy i do enjoy the lack of

(laughs) Which is just crazy. I do enjoy the lack of needing to get dressed up

needing to have to get dressed up and stuff like that but and then in a way i miss it i'm like man

and stuff like that, and then in a way I miss it.

what i wouldn't give to have to get

I'm like, "Man what I wouldn't give

dressed up and be annoyed with

"to have to get dressed up and be annoyed with it."

it is that weird too like i miss the

Is that weird too?

things i used to complain about

I miss the things I used to complain about.

i'm like man i'd like to be able to be

I'm like, "Man, I'd like to be invited to something

invited to something just to say i'm i

"just to say I don't feel up to it."

don't feel up to it like it's so stupid but there's like

(laughs) It's so stupid,

nothing going on and it just feels weird and so

but there's nothing going on and it just feels weird.

just trying to make sense of it figure

And so, just trying to make sense of it,

out where this is going how i can best

figure out where this is going,

manage and adapt and

how I can best manage and adapt.

i don't know if you guys like these

And I don't know if you guys like these videos,

videos if you're sick of these videos i

if you're sick of these videos.

didn't i don't want to take up your time

I don't wanna take up your time

just venting about my own stuff because

just venting about my own stuff,

that's not what this channel is

'cause that's not what this channel's all about.

all about but my hope is that at the

But my hope is at the very least,

very least like as i share along my own process and progress that that

as I share along my own process and progress

you can at least

that you can at least feel like it's okay

feel like it's okay to be where you're at it's okay to not be okay

to be where you're at, it's okay to not be okay,

it's okay to still be trying to figure it out and grieve it um yeah because i'm doing

it's okay to still be trying to figure it out, grieve it.

'Cause I'm doin' it too.

so anyway i'd love to hear your thoughts

Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments,

in the comments i loved uh hearing from you last time um

I loved hearing from you last time.

yeah i hope you're well i hope you're

I hope you're well, I hope you're safe.

safe stay home if you can

Stay home if you can.

if it's not like i don't want that to

I don't want that to outweigh your mental health,

outweigh your mental health but if you are able to stay safe and stay home

but if you are able to stay safe and stay home,

please do that because

please do that, because the more we do that,

you know the more we do that the more we can manage this until until we enter what our new normal

the more we can manage this, until we enter

is until we have better treatments and huge

what our new normal is, until we have better treatments.

shout out and big hugs to all of you

And a huge shout out and big hugs

who are delivering groceries working at

to all of you who are delivering groceries,

grocery stores our truck drivers all the people in the

working at grocery stores, are truck drivers,

all the people in the supply chain,

our first responders um our doctors our

our first responders, our doctors, our nurses,

nurses the people cleaning up the

the people cleaning up the hospitals,

hospitals i'm so grateful to each and every one of you um

I'm so grateful to each and every one of you.

that's why i'm staying home but it's

That's why I'm stayin' home.

just it's a lot and i'm still processing

But it's a lot, and I'm still processing.

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