Smurfs - Nostalgia CriticYouTube↗  IA↗(long shot)
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English Kizu
Mine18
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[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]
Critic: I told you we just reviewed a fantastic four movie, I'm not doing another one!
told you we just reviewed a fantastic
Tamara: But it was SO bad!
for a movie I'm not doing another one but it was so bad I don't care
Critic: I DON'T CARE! Malcolm: They Couldn't even spell it right, 'fant4stick'.
they couldn't even spell it right fan
Critic: I DON'T CARE!
for stick okay you got half a percent
Tamara: It got a half percent on Rotten Tomatoes.
I'll buy these meetups how the hell you
Critic: How the hell do you do that? Malcom: It found a way. Critic: *SIGH* Black Nerd: COWABUNGA!
do that it found a way like nerd yes no
Critic: AH! Tamara: Black Nerd?
Malcom: Yes? Tamara: No, that one. Malcom: Oh.
that one what are you doing the storage
Critic: What're you doing in the storage closet?
closet I'm here to do the Ninja Turtle
Black Nerd: I'm here to do the ninja turtle movie review with you and angry video game nerd, remember?
movie review with you an angry video game nerd remember I don't care if the
*FLASHBACK* Critic: I don't care if the nerd is a bigger star, my face should be bigger than his on the title card!
nerd is a bigger star my face should be
*Ding dong*
bigger than his I'm the title card come
Critic: Come on, who's a bigger ninja turtles fan than me?
on who's the bigger Ninja Turtle fan to
Black Nerd: Hey Critic, heard you're Gonna do a ninja turtles crossover with the nerd?
me hey Craig our unit turtles crossover
Critic: Yea, sure come on in.
with the nerd yeah sure come on out I
Critic: I don't care if i don't know anything about that one show.
don't care if I don't know anything
Critic: Or that one.
about that one show or that one or that
Critic: Or That one.
one
Critic: Really?, they made another one?
hey another one I totally didn't know
Critic: I totally didn't know that. Critic: But nevertheless, I'm the biggest fan and i deserve to be bigger on the title card!
that but nevertheless I am the biggest band and I deserve to be bigger on the
Critic: Everything about me is bigger than him! Critic: Including that! Critic: DON'T ASK HOW I KNOW THAT!
title card everything about me is bigger than him pulling that weight you've been
*Flashforward Tamara: Wait, you've been in the storage closet that entire time?
in the storage closet that entire time
Black Nerd: Mmmmehh, it's not so bad. Black Nerd: I still made videos.
it's not so bad I still made videos hi
Black Nerd: Hi I'm Andre and I'm a Black Nerd.
I'm Andre and I'm a black nerd today I'm
Black Nerd: Today i'm gonna be reviewing boxes again.
gonna be reviewing boxes again yay boxes
Black Nerd: YAY! BOXES! Black Nerd: Which do you think is better?
wish you think it's better cardboard or
Black Nerd: Cardboard or plastic? Black Nerd: They both keep you alive if you ever need to eat them.
plastic they both keep you alive if you ever need to eat them
Black Nerd: Like i do. *Munching sounds*
like I do I'm so cold
Black Nerd: I'm so cold. Peter: Ya think that's bad? how about the time when-
you think that's bad
Critic: Ok Enough with the cutaways.
how about the topic of cutaways so are
Black Nerd: Soo, are you finally ready to do the review?
you finally ready to do the review oh we
Malcom: Ummmm, we reviewed that a few months ago, didn't we?
reviewed that a few months ago didn't we
Critic: Mmmm yeees, but seeing how i could be facing some serious criminal charges for this let's go ahead and do the crossover anyway!
yes but seeing how I could be facing some serious criminal charges for this let's go ahead and do the crossover
Critic: It could be any movie you want!
anyway it could be any movie you want
Black Nerd: SMURFS!
Smurfs
Critic: Any movie you want!
any movie you want Smurfs any movie you
Black Nerd: SMURFS! Critic: Any movie you want! Black Nerd: SMURFS!
want Harv's I'm sensing an earth girls
Critic: I'm sensing an Earth Girls Are Easy vibe from ya. Black Nerd: SMURFS!
are easy vibe from you
Tamara: Fantastic Four! *Punch* Black Nerd: SMURFS!
Smurfs troll 2 it is a little cliche but
Critic: Troll 2 it is! a low cliché but i still think we can get some good material out of it.
I still think we can get some good
Black Nerd: Hellooo, police, Nostalgia Critic kidnapped another black guy again.
material out of it hello police the staff to critic it out another black guy
Malcolm: IT'S TRUE! *Punch* Critic: Let's do the f**king smurfs. Black Nerd: yaaaaay!
again it's true that's stupid
Tamara: *Exhale* Malcolm: ahhhh. Malcolm: Man, Urkel did not age well.
then Oracle did not eat what I heard
Black Nerd: I heard that, Theo!
that CEO the Belgian comic turned into
Black Nerd: The belgian comic turned into an american 80's cartoon and has finally hit the the big screen!
an American 80s cartoon has finally hit
Critic: Well, technically the second time. Fucking liars.
the big screen well technically the
Critic: Like most 80's cartoons it banked more on selling merchandise rather than focusing on interesting stories.
second time [ __ ] wires like will see these cartoons have banked more on selling merchandise rather than focusing
Black Nerd: You take that back!
on interesting stories you take that
Critic: NEVAAAAR! Black Nerd: Police?~
back
Critic: It was mostly harmless.
it was mostly harmless so much so that
Critic: So much so, that I'm not entirely sure how you could get THAT much of movie out of it.
I'm not entirely sure how you could get that much of a movie out of it at least
Critic: At least without being super creative.
without being super creative well that's
Black Nerd: Well that's exactly what they did, at first.
exactly what they did at first
Black Nerd: Rumor has it Paramount originally owned the rights to the movie, and were looking to make it sort of a comedic epic fantasy!
rumor has it paramount originally owned the rights to the movie and we're looking to make it sort of a comedic
Black Nerd: Think Lord of The Rings meets (The) Princess Bride!
epic fantasy think Lord of the Rings
Critic: Well, that doesn't sound too ba-
meets Princess Bride well that doesn't
Black Nerd: Until Sony got the rights to the movie, thought Alvin And The Chipmunks was a big hit,
sound too but until Sony got the rights to the movie so Alvin and the Chipmunks
Black Nerd: And said: "HEY! we could do that, just make them blue!"
with a big hit and said hey we could do that just make them blue so wait they're
Critic: So wait, they're just ripping off that terrible chipmunks movie? Black Nerd: Nooooooooooo! Critic: Oh,thank god. Black Nerd: They're ripping off 'The Chipmunks Movie',
just ripping off that terrible movie no
Black Nerd: But they're also ripping off Enchaaaaaanted, Black Nerd: And Fat Albert! Black Nerd: And [In a British accent] Masters of The Universe.
Black Nerd: All that's messing is the crowning turd! Critic: *gasps* No Black Nerd! Not Raja Gosnell! Critic: He's the cinematic equivalent of child syphilis! *Critic screams*
all that's missing is the crowding turd
*Explosion SFX* Black Nerd: *Evil laughter* Critic: You fool! what have you done?! Black Nerd: YES!, my satanic fellow! Let the world see you for the abomination that you are!
*Exhaling fire SFX*
Dragon: Would you like to buy some Smurf merchandise? Critic: Evil takes many forms.
would you like to buy some Smurfs merchandize evil takes many forms this
Black Nerd:This is the Smurfs movie. Black Nerd: (whispering) I'll take two.
is a Smurfs movie it opens with a
Critic: It opens with Narrator Smurf.
narrator Smurfs no there's a smurf
Critic: No, really there's a Smurf called Narrator Smurf
called narrator Smurfs at least they're
Black Nerd: At least they're not hiding their laziness.
not hiding they're lazy in this as he
Critic: As he talks about a place that knows no sadness.
talks about a place that knows no
Critic: Well, clearly it can't be in this movie. Narrator Smurf: A place inhabited by little blue beings... Critic: Oh, so it IS an animated movie!
sadness well clearly it can't be in this movie a place inhabited by beings oh so it is an animated movie
Black Nerd: No, that CG is supposed to look as convincing as the human characters
no that's CG is supposed to look as convincing as the human characters
NC: Really? they look like Rocky's coach if he had Methemoglobinemia
really they all look like Rockies coach if he had met the mclubbe in amia it's a
Critc: It's a thing, read a book!
fake read a book at first everything
Black Nerd: At first, everything seems to be par for the course
seems to be par for the course The
The smurfs you recognize are all there, they all have names that match their one
Smurfs she recognized are all there they
personality trait, and even the evil Gargamel played by Hank Azaria plots to
all have names that match their one personality trait and even the evil Gargamel played by Hank Azaria plots to
catch them.
catch them
Critic: Ah, that evil entity who wants to destroy the smurf's essence in order to become
ah that evil entity who wants to destroy the Smurfs essence in order to become
disgustingly rich.
disgustingly rich hey I was talking
Black Nerd: Heey, I was talking about Gargamel, not SONY (Crowd Oohing)
about Gargamel not Sony actually in this
Black Nerd: Actually, in this version he wants to Smurf's essence to increase his magic, not to make gold or
version he wants two Smurfs essence to increase his magic not to make gold or
eat them. And as you can see, he's not very good at it as he spends most of his
eat them and as you can see he's not very good at it as he spends most of his
time playing with puppets rather than getting any real work done. Critic: Hey! At least they look
time playing with puppets rather than getting any real work done hey at least
more real than the actual Smurfs! (shots fired) a lock ka boom! (??)
they look more real than the actual sparse
Oh god, Azrael. You're a boy?! Critic: Well, any kids film opens with cat balls on a beloved characters head is
get a boy well any kids film that opens with cat falls on a beloved characters
certainly setting the bar pretty high!
head is certainly setting the bar pretty
Black Nerd: Papa Smurf, voiced by Jonathan Winters, has a vision of all the smurfs being
high Papa Smurf voiced by Jonathan winters has a vision of all the Smurfs being
destroyed because of a mistake Clumsy made, never realizing that maybe he made
destroyed because of a mistake clumsy made never realizing that maybe he made
that mistake because you named him Clumsy!
that mistake because you named them
Papa Smurf: Clumsy!? Critic: Yeah it's like naming your daughter "Prostitute" are you really encouraging
clumsy mushi yeah it's like naming your daughter prostitute are you really encouraging
any great things labeling them that? Black Nerd: Actually one of the stranger things is the
any great things labeling them that actually one of the stranger things is
people they got to play most of the Smurfs.
the people they got to play most of the
Critic: Oh come on, celebrity voices are everywhere are you really surprised that
Smurfs oh come on celebrity voices are
people like Katy Perry and George Lopez are in this? Black Nerd: For the main characters, no.
everywhere are you really surprised that people like Katy Perry and George Lopez are in this for the main characters no
But what if I told you that Pee Wee Herman himself Paul Reubens was in this!
but what if I told you that pee-wee Herman himself Paul Reubens was in this
Critic: What where? Black Nerd: Right there. Pee Wee Herman on Blue meth: Heh Hee Heh! Black Nerd: And now he's gone!
what where right there and now he's gone
Critic: W-What they called him in for just two lines? Black Nerd: (giggles) He got the deluxe treatment
what they called him in for just two lines he got the deluxe treatment half
half of these celebrities barely even got a word! That was Kenan Thompson! Critic: What?
of these celebrities barely even got a word that was Kenan Thompson but there
Black Nerd: There went BJ Novak
went BJ Novak huh oh there's Jeff
Critic: Huh!? Black Nerd: Ooh! there's Jeff Foxworthy! Critic: I didnt Even... Black nerd: Theres Wolfgang Puck! Critic: Why!
Foxworthy there's Wolfgang Puck 1 don't miss Joan
Black nerd: Dont miss Joan Rivers! Critic: They flew her in for this--!? Black nerd: And of course John Oliver's one incredible line John Oliver, also on blue meth: Oh marvelous! Critic: Please tell me he's there to do a report on how this movie is ruining America..
Rivers knew her infront of course John Oliver's one incredible line oh please tell me is there to do a report about
Black nerd: I think it speaks for itself NC (im getting tired of spelling the names):You're right...
how this movie is ruining America I think it speaks for itself you're right
NC: So Gargamel finally figures out that the Smurfs have been kept hidden because of an invisible
so Gargamel finally figures out that the Smurfs have kept hidden because of an
force field. BN: As we've gone from children's fantasy to Star Trek
invisible force field yes we've gone from children's fantasy
technology. NC: But some of them stumble across a magic portal....
the Star Trek technology but some of them stumble across a magic portal don't
Don't act like you haven`t! where Gargamel has them trapped. Gargamel: Looks like you got the short end of the stick!
act like you haven't where Gargamel has them trapped looks like you got the dog
Eyy Papa!? Papa Smurf: Not this time Gargamel!
that did the stick this time
NC Doing an impression of Papa smurf: I`d much rather sacrifice my life then listen to your heinous performance!
hey much rather sacrifice my life than
Gargamel: Must... Have.... Smurfs!!!!!
listen to your heinous performance
BN: Because it makes much more sense to chase 6 Smurfs as opposed to 94!
because it makes much more sense to chase six Smurfs as opposed to
Katy Perry taking the same drug as everyone who worked on the movie: I dont think We`re in Smurf Village anymore--!
ninety-four this leads them to where
NC: This leads them to wear every fucking portal and family films leads to!
every [ __ ] portal and family films
Both: New York City!
leads to New York City preferably the
NC: Preferably the very pretty and/or intimidating part. Patrick Winslow: Oh, hey, can we get a photographer over there? There's an arrival happening. Thanks. Welcome.
very pretty and or intimidating part why
NC: Uhhh.... why are we suddenly in an episode of How I Met Your Mother?
are we suddenly in an episode of How I
BN: Oh don't you know? this is Neil Patrick Harris` movie now! NC: What? I thought this
Met Your Mother oh don't you know this is Neil Patrick Harris his movie now what I thought this
was about Smurfs!
was about sports
BN: Well, Critic, like most sellout adaptations the title character really
well critic like most sellout adaptations the title character really
has anything to do with the title itself.
has anything to do with the title itself
NC: So.. instead of being about little blue people... BN: It's about an advertising VP
so instead of being about little blue people it's about an advertising VP
coming to grips with becoming a father!
coming to grips with becoming a father
NC: So... we're in a romantic comedy that just happens to have Smurfs
so we're in a romantic comedy that just
BN: Yep.. NC:..That's like having a holocaust film that's only decided it needs Fraggles
happens to have Smurfs yep that's like having a holocaust film that suddenly decided it needs Fraggles
BN: That comes out next week. (Whispers) I hear Oscar buzz! Papa Smurf: Until we rescue Clumsy and get back home,
that comes out next week I hear Oscar buzz I need you all to stay
I need you all to stay close. NC: I know I should be making fun of the product
close I know it should be making fun of
placement but honestly, i'm just thinking how much better this movie would be if
the product placement but honestly I'm just thinking how much better this movie
Blue Man Group played the smurfs BN: But they wouldn't talk... NC: Exactly!
would be if bloom Angra play The Smurfs but they wouldn't talk exactly and just
BN:And just when you're wondering if watching a cat vomit would be more fun than watching this movie,
when you're wondering if watching a cat vomit will be more fun than watching
the film decides to answer for you.
this movie the film decides to answer
NC: Infinitely more fun. BN: Yes. NC: It's like the disney world of fun in this movie. BN:(Half-Heartedly) Cat vomiiiit! Garfamel: Tiny locks of Smurfette!... Oh, sweet folecular (wtf) ambrosia! NC: Am I the only one getting a bald Moe Syzlak
for you infinitely more fun yes it's like the Disney world of fun in this movie am I the only one getting a bald Moe Szyslak
from an unfunny version of The Simpsons?
from an unfunny version of The Simpsons
BN: So the simpsons now? NC: Up high- (High five)
so the Simpsons now apply well I must
Gargamel: Oh, I must find a laboratory! This should do nicely!
find a laboratory
(Gargamel and CGI abomination step out panting) Gargamel: Somebody's been working a dark and... terrbile magic in there! (Ironically movie's reviews)
it's about the buggy could darkened terrible magic in them so even worth
NC:... Is it even worth wasting a joke on that one?- BN: No, move on!
wasting a joke on that no move on while
BN: While he tries to figure out how to get the magic out of her hair,
he tries to figure out how to get the
Neil Patrick Harris visits his pregnant beard while the smurfs try to
magic out of her hair Neil Patrick Harris visits his pregnant
break in. Clumsy: Woah, ugh, ahh!
beard while the Smurfs try to break in
NC: And this partakes in what i'm noticing more and more in bad family
and this part takes and what I'm noticing more and more in bad family
films, especially in Raja Gosnell's films- movement pull. BN: What, your'e anti-movement?
films especially in Raja Gosnell films movement pull what your anti movement no
NC: No, I'm anti lazy movement. Movement that only exists just to hypnotize your kids
I'm anti lazy movement movement that only exists just to hypnotize your kids
rather than engage them. Engaging movement involves a lot of variety. Sharp
rather than engage them engaging movement involves a lot of variety sharp
stops, varying speeds, unexpected turns,
stops varying speeds unexpected turns
this is what makes good visual storytelling. Here everything is at the
this is what makes good visual storytelling here everything is at the
same speed, the same pacing, and the same kind of movement. There is no variation
same speed the same pacing and the same kind of movement there's no variation so
so there's nothing interesting about it.
there's nothing interesting about it
What's more engaging, watching Mario go one speed throughout the entire game, or
what's more engaging watching Mario go one speed throughout the entire game or
having him stop, slow down, go backwards, stomp on things?
having him stop slow down go backwards
This safe, boring, and repetitive movement is the same as looking at a watch waving
stomp on things this safe boring and repetitive movement is the same as looking at a watch waving back and forth
back and forth. They're both trying to hypnotize and relax you so that you don't think about
they're both trying to hypnotize and relax you so that you don't think about
what you're watching,
what you're watching and that's not what
and that's not what a movie is supposed to do. You're supposed to think about
a movie is supposed to do you're
it, you're supposed to be sucked in!
supposed to think about it you're supposed to be sucked in but this method
But this method is an ingenious way to numb your brains without feeling bored
is an ingenious way to numb your brains without feeling bored so you think it
so you think it must be doing something right when really it's just junk food
must be doing something right when
for your mind, and it's all over the movie.
really it's just junk food for your mind and it's all over the movie oh I don't
BN: Oh, I don't know I don't think there's anything wrong with a constant... source of... movement...
know I don't think there's anything wrong with a constant source of movement
BN: Hey guys! As you probably noticed-
hey guys as you probably notice there's
-There's a jumpcut there!
a jump cut there and there and there
-And there! And there! :D -Some might say might say it's a fast-paced way...
some might say it's a fast-paced way for
-For me to save on memorizing lines!
me to save on memorizing line it is Papa
-It is! :D -Boop ba boo do dee... random thing!
feed random thing if you know how hard
-Do you know hard it is... -To.. do.. -This.. in.. -One.. go?
it is to do I Chester is that why you do
Chester: Do I! BN: Chester, is that why you do the fast editing? Chester: Is that what that is?
the best anything is that what it is I
I thought it was just a wizard. BN: You never question how you could do this?
thought it was just a wizard you never question how you could do this when
Chester: When you're as high as I am, you learn not to question things.
you're as high as I am you learn not to
Both: WHEEEEEEEEE!
question things
Both: Subscribe! Subscribe! Chester: Are we a magazine? BN: No, we're just supposed to say it.
subscribe are we a magazine no we're
Chester: Oh. Both: Subscribe! Subscribe! (NC Stares disappointingly) BN: (Sobbing) I'm a whore... Nostalgia Critic Will Be Right Back!
just supposed to saying I'm a [ __ ] [Applause] you [Music]
BN: The Smurfs spot talent and decide to attack him. NC: Honey! Help!
the [ __ ] spot talent and decide to attack him honey hell I think they're
I think they're gonna do me in the Smurf! Patrick: Do not be fooled by their cuteness!
gonna do me in the Smurf
BN: So he's told who The Smurfs are and big surprise, he finds it all kinds of
so he's told who the Smurfs are and big surprise he finds it all kinds of
confusing. Grace: How crazy is this? They're little blue people! Patrick: So, you're sticking with your "this is actually happening" theory?
confusing sticking with you this is actually happening theory that's
NC: That's actually a legit question, I always had a theory that all this
actually a legit question I always had a
movie was just a continuation of his drug high from Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
theory that all of this movie was just a continuation of his drug hi from Harold
BN: No, not even a drunk person would go this far without
& Kumar Go to White Castle no not even a drug person would go this
SQUASHING THEM.
far without smashing them you wanna get
BN: Wanna get high? NC: Yeah.
high ya hear that honey they're only
Patrick: Hear that, honey? They're only staying till an actual blue moon rises, which could happen if the
staying til an actual blue moon rises which could happen if the little blue
little blue Santa man makes a magic potion which at this point seems
Santa man makes a magic potion which at
completely plausible.
this point seems completely plausible I
BN: I don't think that was in the script, I think Harris was just clarifying how
don't think that was in the script I think Harris was just clarifying how
horribly written this movie is.
horribly written this movie is and
Patrick: And you're all named after your personalities? Do you get your names when you're born or after you exhibited
you're all named after your personalities do you get your names when
certain traits?
you're born or after you've exhibited
Smurfs: Yeah. Yup! NC: Ohhh, I see, so Clumsy has the personality trait of being clumsy, Grouchy
certain traits yeah yep oh I see so clumsy has the personality trait being
has the personality trait of being grouchy, and Smurfette has the personality trait of... Girl.
clumsy grouchy has the personality trait of being grouchy as summer fete has the personality trait of girl girl as well
Just.. girl, as we all know all girls just have one personality trait
no girls just have one personality trait
BN: Says so much about her. NC: Yeah. Smurfette: (Excitedly) What?! You had one outfit on and now you're wearing something completely different! Grace: Yeah, I... Papa Smurf: Ah, Smurfette, she probably got the other one dirty.
says so much about her I love how
NC: I love how they're shocked that she can wear different clothes but not that
they're shocked that she can wear different clothes but not that she's
she's pregnant. Having only one female made from nothing, do you think they can even comprehend
pregnant having only one female made from nothing do you think they can even
the idea of a pregnant woman?
comprehend the idea of a pregnant woman
BN: Yeah, you'd think in this movie that go more into how Smurfs procreate.
yeah you think in this movie they'd go more into how Smurfs procreate
NC: I say wizard. BN: I say artificial Smurf-ination.
I say wizard I say artificial Smurfs a
Creepy Pervert: I have all the answers right here~
nation I have all the answers right here
NC and BN: NOOOO! CP: Your loss, there's some might fine blue balls in here!
your loss there's some mighty fine blue
I had to write on the cover cause you're not ready yet to see a Smurf get smurfed in the smurf
balls in here I had to write on the cover cuz you're not ready yet to see a smurf get smurfed in the smurf
One of those smurfs stands for "anus"! ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
those Smurf stands for anus but like
BN: But like most of Harris' performance, he acts like he wants to get out of every
most of Harris's performance he acts
scene as quickly as possible. Patrick: I had a crazy morning and haaaaii Odile: What are you doing? Patrick: Um nothing I'm just.. I'm excited!
like he wants to get out of every scene as quickly as possible a crazy morning
NC: So tell me Patrick, is that a Smurf in your pocket or are you
so tell me Patrick is that Smurfs in
just happy to see me? ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º)
your pocket you're just happy to see me
Patrick: I need to home my message here. Gutsy: How about grab life by the great? Smurf: Have a Smurfy day! Smurfette: I kissed a Smurf and I liked it? Both: GET IT?!
I need to hone my message here get it
(Smurfs start chanting demonically)
Patrick: STOP! Come on, none of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?
come on none of you find that song just
Smurf: I find it annoying!
the tiniest bit annoying I find it
(Black Nerd snickers) NC: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie? BN: No. NC: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie?!
annoying did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie no just like on a Smurfs movie no
BN: No... NC: Just remember every time you laugh at a Smurfs movie, God. Kills. A kitten!
just remember every time you live in a Smurfs movie God kills a kitten it's in
It's in the Bible! BN: Huh, I don't know how I missed that. NC: It's in the hardcover, reads a little different
the Bible huh I don't know how I miss that it's an art cover it reads a little
than the softcover.
different than the soft cover Gardner
BN: Gargamel uses a Smurf hair to make his magic better, catching
will uses a Smurfs hair to make his
the eye of Harris's boss, played by Sofia Vergara.
magic better catching the eye of Harris's boss played by Sofia Vergara
(Gargamel gibberish for 'I need to piss') (Gross sigh of relief) BN: Oh my god... NC: This is really happening people!
oh my god this is really happening
BN: What do we do? NC: Just look away! BN: I can't it's too awful! NC: Just close your eyes and imagine
people what do we do let's look away I can't it's too awful close your eyes in
one of your kindergarten favorites it's not pissing into a bucket!
a match while your kindergarten sits not pissing into a bucket mm-hmm it's a
NC: Is it working for you?
working for you pail with rolling it is
BN: PEYO IS ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE! NC: Me neither, there's only one alternative!
gravy neither there's only one oh it's
NC: It's just so much better for some reason! BN: Yeah, me too... but I feel like we're missing
so much better for some reason yeah me
part of the movie. NC: Oh you're right, you're right, let's rewind that and see what we missed... (Mixed screams of pain, terror and anguish)
too but I feel like we're missing part of the movie oh you're right you're right let's for wine and see what we missed
BN: The Smurfs end up in a toy store, where of course, all sorts of
the Smurfs end up in a toy store where
misunderstandings take place.
of course all sorts of misunderstandings
Clumsy: I'm just tired of the whole dating game, just say who you are and be who you say...
take place I'm just tired of the whole dating game just say who you are okay
NC: Okay, first...
first that looks nothing like a smurf
that looks nothing like a smurf, second it's not even blue, third does he really
second it's not even blue third does he
not know it's a pillow he has to know it's a pillow I mean is that something the
really not know it's a pillow he has to
Smurfs don't know, they just don't know what pillows are? They have to have
know it's a pillow I mean is that something that Smurfs don't know they just don't know what pillows are they
pillows, their hats are kinda like pillows, I mean for the love of God, HOW IS
have to have pillows their hands are kinda like pillows I mean for the love
THIS SCENE EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE-
of God how is this even remotely
1998 Jennifer Lopez: Really? Who gives a sh*t?
possible who gives a [ __ ] ah thank you
NC: Ah, thank you 1998 Jennifer Lopez, you're right.
1998 Jennifer Lopez you're right the
The more question it, the more it shows I care.
more I questioned it the more I chose I
Smurfette: Ooh, creepy. I hope they weren't looking for Stargazer too...
care Oh baby they weren't looking for a
Dresses! You mean I can have more than one kind of dress? NC: Wow she seemed to get past the impaled heads and supposedly dressed up corpses pretty fast.
stargazer two dresses Wow she seemed to get past the impaled heads and supposedly dressed up corpses pretty
BN: must be that defined girl personality.
fast must be that defined girl
NC: Gargamel tries to catch them but ends up getting tased.
personality Gargamel tries to catch them but then ends up getting tased now that
Now... that HAS to be funny, Gargamel getting tased? Good god, how can a movie possibly screw this up- (Gargamel spazzing out)
has to be funny Gargamel getting tased good God how can a movie possibly screw this up
(STILL not funny)
like that you couldn't even make
BN: Like that! NC: You couldn't even make Gargamel getting TASED funny...
Gargamel getting tased bunny he sounds
He sounds like Professor Fink getting jerked off!
like Professor fig getting jerked off I
BN: Ugh, I don't think we need that image. NC: Nah, I don't think so either.
don't think we need that image no I don't think so either
BN: Much better. NC: Oh, but I feel like we missed part of the movie-
Oh much better oh but I feel like we missed part of the movie in their spare
BN: In their spare time, Smurfette reveals her troubled past
time Smurfette reveals her troubled past
Smurfette: I was.. created by Gargamel to trap the other Smurfs
I was created by Gargamel to trap the
Grace: Then what happened?
other Smurfs and then we Reverend pop
Smurfette: Papa saved me. He cast a special spell and then helped me become the Smurf I was meant to be!
has saved me he cast a special spell and then helped me become the Smurf I was
NC: Oh! So much for her backstory!
meant to be Oh so much for her backstory yeah who cares
BN: Yeah, who cares! We have Harris' advertising job to worry about!
we have harris's advertising job to
It's not like this movie is about Smurfs!
worry about it's not like this movies
Patrick: Time to either celebrate, or file for unemployment...
about Smurfs time to either celebrate or
BN: Huh, I think that was the banner at the movie's wrap party.
file for unemployment I think that was the banner at the movies rat party but
NC: But we don't need to worry about that for too long as we partake in more movement porn
we don't need to worry about that for too long as we partake in more movement
which also conveniently serves as trailer fodder- BN: -and product placement for
porn which also conveniently serves as trailer fodder and product placement for
Guitar Hero and/or Rock Band (Ball-rippingly bad rendition of Aerosmith's "Walk This Way")
a guitar hero and/or rock band [Music]
NC: Was the Neil Patrick Harris crotch cam really essential to the scene?
was the Neil Patrick Harris crotch cam really essential to the scene I'll
BN: I'll accept it. As long as the Smurfs don't rap, as long-
accept it as long as the Smurfs don't
(Surprise.) BN: OH MY GOD! (Slams hand on table) BN: Who're they even singing to? I know it's supposed to
rap as long are they even singing - I
be like a music video, but in terms of the movie they're just rapping into a corner Both: LA LA LALALALA LA LALALA LA BITCH! (Both continue to recite demonic chant into corner)
know it's supposed to be like a music video but in terms of the movie they're just rapping into a corner yeah plan if
Tamara: Soo, uh... whatcha guys doin'? NC: We're representin' foo!
BN: Yeah, playa if someone was down there lookin' at us we would look ama-zin!
someone was down there looking at us look amazing you look like you're being
Malcom: You look like you're being punished... Both: WE ARE! (Both sob) Patrick: Doesn't it... freak you out sometimes? Little guys depending on you?
punished doesn't it break you out sometimes little guys depending on you
Papa Smurf: That's what being a papa is...
that's what being a public is there's a
(NC imitating Papa Smurf): As the saying goes, "You smurf it, y' raise it."
saying goes we just Smurf it you're
BN: Gargamel is put in prison which... let me see if anything funny is happening here... BN: Nope.
raisered Gargamel is put in prison which let me see if anything funny is happening here nope as he magically
As he magically summons an army of flies to save him. (Gargamel screams as he is almost ripped to shreds)
summons an army of flies to save him
(And dropped.)
[Music]
NC: Boy, even by Smurf standards that's just weird!
even by summer standards that's just weird but it looks like clumsy
But it looks like Clumsy accidentally tripped and sent the wrong design to the firm.
accidentally tripped and sent the wrong
As... most trips do? Which means the wrong ad is sent all over town.
design to the firm as most trips do which means the wrong ad is sent all
Patrick: You said they would bring good luck, this is anything but good! I never should have let this happen!
over town you said that they would bring good luck this is anything but good I
I never wanted a house full of little people running around!
never should have let this happen I never wanted a house full of little
(Nice going.)
people running around no it's ok I only
BN: No, it's okay I only just meant it as a metaphor for the baby!
just meant it as a metaphor for the baby
Grace: Of all the people on the planet those magical little creatures came to us. They
of all the people in the planet those magical little creatures came to us they
chose (cursed) us. Don't you see how absolutely amazing that is this? This a
chose us don't you see how absolutely amazing that is
once-in-a-lifetime thing Patrick, this is our blue moon. Kermit the Frog: Hm... y'know, it's amazing.
this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing Patrick this is our Blue Moon you know
You are 100% wrong.
it's amazing you are 100% wrong I mean
I mean, nothing you've said has been right!
nothing you said has been right yet
BN: Yeah, Kermit's right, nobody chose anybody.
Kurt's right nobody chose anybody
NC: Yeah, it's clearly just a series of accidental circumstances.
yeah it's clearly just a series of accidental circumstances forgive it this
BN: I'll give it this, though, it does make me crave blue moon...
though it does make me crave blue moon
NC: Let's go drinking after this... BN: I think that was a given.
let's go drinking after this nothing
NC: But thankfully Times Square is full of ironic
that wasn't given but thankfully Times
imagery and he realizes that hammered in messages are good.
Square is full of ironic imagery and he realizes that hammered in messages are
BN: Meanwhile at an old bookstore, the Smurfs are looking for a book of spells which
good meanwhile at an old bookstore the Smurfs are looking for a book of spells
seems to be weirdly enough a Smurfs comic book...
which seems to be really enough a Smurfs
Papa Smurf: Secret rooms are hidden in the drawing...
comic book secret runes are hidden in
Smurf: You see all that in there? Papa Smurf: Look here, at the patterns on this page... BN: So wait, Peyo wasn't just a cartoonist, he was also a dimension jumper? NC: Or was he a
the drawing you see all that in there look here so wait pale wasn't just a cartoonist he was also a dimension
time traveler? Didn't this all take place in the past? Kinda?
jumper or was he a time traveler didn't this all take place in the past kind of
BN: And upon his discoveries all he did was make cartoons about it?
and upon his discoveries all he did was make cartoons about it I know if I say
I never though i'd say this but... Smurfs, you're kind of hard to follow!
this but Smurfs you're kind of hard to
NC: Gargamel tries again to capture them but Papa Smurf stays behind to get captured.
follow Gargamel tries again to capture them but Papa Smurf stays behind to get
BN: Why?! He could have just escaped with them! NC: Well, then it wouldn't feed into the Papa
captured why he couldn't just escaped with them well then it wouldn't feed
sacrifice-y talk that they had earlier. BN: That doesn't mean you get
into the Papa sacrifice he talked to they head earlier that doesn't mean you
purposely caught for no reason!
get purposely caught for no reason
(Beautiful music starts playing) NC: Doesn't it Black Nerd, doesn't it?
doesn't it black nerd doesn't it well
BN: NO!
the director Beverly Hills Chihuahua
NC: Well the director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua says it does so shut it!
says it does so shocked have you seen
BN: Have you seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua? NC: No, have you? NC: (Whispers) You are part of the problem...
Beverly Hills Chihuahua no have you but
BN: But they get the portal to open up and bring tons of Smurfs back to save Papa. (Smurfs chanting MORE demonic chant)
they get the portal to open up and bring tons of Smurfs back to save papa yeah
NC: Yeah... that doesn't really work as a war song. It sounds more like a lullaby from Donald Trump.
that doesn't really work as a war song it sounds more like a lullaby from
BN: Hm... an angry ward of people holding weapons, chanting and wearing pointy white hats...
Donald Trump hmm an angry horde of people holding weapons chanting and wearing pointy white hats for some
BN: For some reason I feel very uncomfortable...
reason I feel very uncomfortable while
NC: While that's going on, Papa Smurf is being put through a machine to extract his essence Papa Smurf: No! Onions! Agh!
that's going on Papa Smurf is being put through a machine to extract his essence
NC: ....Was that a Smurf thing? Being afraid of onions?
was that a smurf thing being afraid of
BN: No.
onions no was there an episode when Ivan
NC: Was there an episode when an onion killed his family? BN: No.
killed his family no could be onion no
NC: Could the onion- BN: No!
why the [ __ ] is he afraid of onion I
NC: Then why the f*ck is he afraid of onions!? BN: I don't know! Indiana Jones is afraid of snakes!
don't know Indiana Jones is afraid of
NC: But not produce! There's not a scene in one of the movies where he's like-
snakes but not produce there's not a
Onions? Why'd it have to be onions?
scene of one of the movies where he's like onions why did it have to be onions
BN: Let's just agree that the writers were probably on meth when they wrote this...
let's just agree that the writers were probably on meth when they wrote this
NC: There's no probably about it.
there's no probably about it bloomin
NC: Blue meth- BN: Blue meth!...
blue meth want to get high
BN: Wanna get high? NC: Yes. BN: Oh but here's something neat we get to see how Azrael gets the chipped ear!
yes oh but here's something neat we get to see how Azrael gets the chipped deer
NC: But... wait... if this happened after the cartoon shouldn't there already be a chipped ear
but wait if this happened after the cartoon shouldn't there already be a
BN: I guess it makes as much sense as Smurfette saving Papa Smurf only to
chip deer I guess it makes as much sense as Smurfette saving Papa Smurf only to
immediately have him captured again.
immediately have him captured again
NC: Christ, this guy throws himself into trouble more than Bella Swan! Clumsy: I got it! BN: But Clumsy is about to perform the action that Papa Smurf saw would doom them all. Papa Smurf: The visions... have never been wrong...
heist this guy throws himself into trouble more than Bella Swan but clumsy is about to perform the action that Papa Smurf saw would doom them all visions
(NC as Papa Smurf): Except when they're completely wrong... like this time!
except when they're completely wrong
BN: Just put that in the bag of other plot holes this movie doesn't explain!
like this time just put that in the bag of other plot holes this movie doesn't
NC: Really? It's getting so big! (Slams bag on desk)
explain really it's getting so bad I owe
Papa Smurf: I owe you and apology, Clumsy... I believed more in a vision... than I did in you.
you an apology from Z I believe more in a vision
(BN as Papa Smurf): From now on you shall be called semi-competent Smurf!
from now on you shall be called semi-competent Smurf this leads to the
NC: This leads to the Smurfs finally being sent home.
Smurfs finally being sent home I should
Papa Smurf: I should get going
get going
I've got a smurf village to rebuild. Your village has given me some ideas.
I've got a Smurfs village to rebuild your village has given me some ideas
(NC as Papa Smurf): We're thinking about putting our garbage on the street and acting like assholes to
we're thinking about putting our garbage on the street and acting like [ __ ]
anyone who looks at us funny! Patrick: I smurf you. 1998 Jennfier Lopez: Really? Who gives a sh*t?
to anyone who looks at us funny really
NC: So that was the Smurfs movie. BN: But only by title this has so
so that was the Smurfs movie but only by
little to do with the original cartoon!
title this has so little to do with the original cartoon believe it or not in
Believe it or not, in 2017, they're rebooting the Smurfs AGAIN fully
2017 they're rebooting the Smurfs again
animated and more like the source material, which makes perfect sense,
and fully animated and more like the source material which makes perfect
because this movie has nothing to do with the original Smurfs!
sense cuz this movie has nothing to do
Look, you can do that with Garfield you can do that with the Chipmunks, but the Smurfs live in a
with the original Smurfs look you do have a Garfield you know with the chip
medieval fantasy world with dragons, with wizards, with witches, with magic, with
must but the Smurfs lived in a medieval fantasy world with dragons with wizards with witches with magic with sorcery
sorcery, with adventure, and you decided it was more entertaining to have
with adventure and you decided was more
advertising executives, domestic parenting, New York City,
entertaining to have advertising executives domestic parenting New York
Sony product placement?! That is not what the Smurfs stood for,
City Sony product placement that is not
it was magical, it was timeless and you made it... 2000's! NC: And yet, it was such a big hit. Why?
what the Smurfs stood for it was magical it was timeless and you made it to thousands and yet it was such a big hit
BN: I'll tell you why, because they threw a lot of money and advertising at it with no effort. People forget how all over the place the Smurfs were. It was a marketing monster
why I'll tell you why because they threw a lot of money and advertising at it with no effort people forget how all over the place the Smurfs were it was a
that couldn't be escaped. It grabbed older people's nostalgia, younger kids love for
marketing monster that couldn't be escaped it grabbed older people's nostalgia younger kids love for toys and
toys and enough celebrities to have people shrug and be way too forgiving
enough celebrities to have people sure gonna be way too forgiving because of
because of how cute it was. NC: So wait, you're saying you can make a bundle
how cute it was so wait you're saying
through no effort at all as long as you just advertise it right? BN: Pretty much. All
you can make a bundle through no effort at all as long as you just advertise it
you need is something nostalgic, celebrities, and someone who's
right pretty much all you need is something nostalgic celebrities and
manipulated people through advertising before...
someone who's manipulated people through advertising before coming this fall to a
Narrator: Coming this fall to a theater near you... PET ROCK. It's your childhood favorite like you've never seen it before. It
theater near you ped Rock it's your childhood favorite like you've never seen it before it jumps around to pop
jumps around to pop songs, looks cute,
songs looks cute wraps in the corner
raps in the corner, alters some white idiot's life, and all while having a ton
alter some white idiots live and all
of celebrity voices. You remember these people, age group 5 - 37, don't you?
while having a ton of celebrity voices you remember these people age group 5 to
it's Amy Poehler-
37 don't you it's Amy Poehler
Amy: WAFFLES! :D Chistopher Walken-
Christopher Walken call me Chris Chris
Christopher: Mm, call me Chris... Chris Rock! Selena Gomez-
Rock Selena Gomez the rock wants what it
Selena: The rock wants what it wants
wants
Hey, she said the thing!
hey she said the thing and of course
And of course, Samuel L Jackson-
samuel l.jackson yeah I'm in everything
Samuel: Yeah, i'm in everything so why not be in this.. motha f*cka.
so why not be in this mutha [ __ ] but
But you don't want a movie called The Pet Rock to be about the Pet Rock,
you don't want a movie called the pet rock to be about the pet rock so we have
so we have several characters to derail the plot, like Neil Patrick Harris as the
several characters to derail the plot like Neil Patrick Harris as the ad
ad executive, Megan Fox as April O'Neil,
executive Megan Fox is April O'Neil Shia
Shia LaBeouf from Transformers-
LaBeouf
Shia: DO IT. Alright! Jeesh.
from Transformers all right eesh they're
They're just about to ride with Natalie Portman and Courteney Cox in a pink
just about to ride with Natalie Portman
convertible with He-man and Thor in the back seat, with a soundtrack featuring
and Courtney Cox in a pink convertible with human and Thor in the backseat with
The Rolling Stones, Kid Rock, and other rock related names.
a soundtrack featuring The Rolling Stones get Rob and other rock related
You know it must be good, it's on f*cking everything!
names you know it must be good it's on [ __ ] everything bedrock the movie
PETROCK The Movie It'll turn your heart of stone into a heart of home! Coming up the same weekend as- NC and BN: SON OF A-
it'll turn your heart of stone into a heart of home coming out the same weekend [Music]
*Humming*
[Applause] [Music]
Is that camera still on?
that camera still on
Hey guys, Doug Walker
hey guys dog walker here you know every
here you know, every time I do a Nostalgia Critc, a lot of people tuned in and I
time I doing this dives are critical lot of people tuned in and I really wanted
really wanted to do something good with that and something i want to try that's
to do something good with that and something I want to try that's kind of
kind of knew is that I want to give a shout out to certain charities that I
new is that I want to give a shout out to certain charities that I think are
think are really worth your attention or really worth your support
really worth your attention of really
so I'm gonna do that at the end of every video now i'm going to give a shout out
worth your support so I'm gonna do that at the end of every video now I'm gonna
to some really special charities preferably ones that I know it's
give a shout out to some really special charities preferably ones that I know
something about have had some contact with and that's exactly what I'm gonna
something about our pets in contact with
do here i'm going to start off with a charity that is very very special and
and that's exactly what I'm gonna do here I'm gonna start off with a charity that is very very special and they're
they're just we've seen him work first and they're phenomenal that's OneStepCamp.Org
just we've seen them work first and they're phenomenal it's one step camp
and this is a camp for children who have cancer
org and this is a camp for children who
here at at this camp here you're just a regular kid and you can just feel like a
have cancer here at this camp you're just a regular kid and you can just feel
regular kid and we've seen it firsthand because you're not seen as anyone different,
like a regular kid and we've seen it firsthand cuz you're not seen as anyone
for you you're like any other kid and all these kids come together and they
different you you're like any other kid and all these kids come together and
share so many incredible experiences and I remember we were there on the last day
they share so many incredible experiences and I remember we were there on the last day it wasn't wasn't a dry
it wasn't it wasn't a dry eye in the house I mean it was just seeing all
eye in the house I mean it was just
these kids come together
seeing all these kids come together just
just having fun and hugging each other I mean that they're saying goodbye to say
having fun and hugging each other I mean that they're saying goodbye and they say
goodbye to each other and it was just it was the most heartwarming thing you've
goodbye to each other and it was just it was the most heartwarming thing you've
ever seen I mean it's just incredible and these people do such great work
ever seen I mean it's just incredible and these people do such great work so
so if you have the time definitely go check out their website and check out
if you have the time definitely go check out their website and check out the
the wonderful things that they do we've done
wonderful things that they do we've done
uh charity drives for them before and we talked to him in person they're just
charity drives for them before and we
phenomenal people and they are definitely worth your time to check out
talk to them in person they're just phenomenal people and they are definitely worth your time to check out
so if you can definitely go take a look show your support and donate to
so if you can definitely go take a look show your support and donate to
something that is absolutely wonderful
something that is absolutely wonderful you
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