Hello America Pat Condell English Portuguese

Hello AmericaYouTube↗ IA↗(long shot)
Comedy 243.2K views 6.6K likes 578 dislikes 18 Feb 2007

Pat Condell 336K subscribers United Kingdom YouTube↗

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I'm Pat Condell, and I'm your friend

Sou o Pat Condell, e sou vosso amigo

because I live in the UK and our two countries have quite a lot in common apart from the fact that everyone else on the planet hates our guts. We speak the same language, you and I, we share the same culture, more or less, and we worship the same god,

Porque vivo no Reino Unido e os nossos países têm muito em comum

a just god, a jealous god, a psychotic god whose vengeance is terrible to behold, especially if we've got anything to do with it. Praise the Lord. Your president is a born again Christian, in the sense that Dracula was born again when he rose from the grave -

or was that Jesus? Do we drink his blood, or does he drink ours? I've often wondered about that one. Our prime minister is also a Christian, although I'm not sure if he's been born again. The truth is a lot of people in my country are now sorry he was ever born in the first place.

But you have a particular brand of Christianity in America which is unique and extremely creative in that it bears absolutely no resemblance to the message of the prophet it supposedly reveres and is in fact diametrically opposed to every single thing that he ever said, without exception, which, if nothing else, America, shows incredible balls on your part.

In Britain we have an established church, which means we are officially a Christian country. But, like you, we don’t discriminate. We’ll sell arms to anyone. And we really don’t care what atrocities they’re used for Praise the Lord.

Because God is on our side, we both know that when our country is doing evil it’s good evil, as opposed to evil evil. And we know that good evil always defeats evil evil, except when evil evil cunningly disguises itself as good evil

and becomes born again. Then you’ve got a whole new ballgame. And your president plays this particular game very well indeed. We all know his history; we know how he used to be just a useless cocaine-snorting drink-driving draft-dodging daddy’s little rich boy hellraiser,

until one day, after a chat with Billy Graham, he had a revelation that he had been chosen by God, to be a dangerous delusional bigot. He was quickly shoehorned into the governorship of Texas, where he finally found he had a talent for something – signing death warrants, praise the Lord,

and from there it was just a short step to George W. the Lionheart, president of all Christendom. Because they say he’s very well connected, your president, and this doesn’t mean his joints are reinforced with steel wire – nothing as sinister as that. It simply means that he has a lot of corrupt and powerful friends

who will stop at nothing to get their way. And by his own admission he invaded Iraq because one of these friends, namely God, instructed him to. Now I’m not going to try and tell you that your president George W. Bush is insane,

because the way I see it you don’t actually need to be insane if you’re George W. Bush. If you’re a cynical small-minded nasty little born again hypocrite with a Bible in your hand, then frankly, you’re already holding a royal flush, and you don’t need any more cards. And besides, he’s more than ably assisted in all his endeavours by our insane Christian prime minister,

another little man with blood on his hands which he didn’t get from having nails hammered through them, although I’m sure his press office would like us to believe otherwise. And we all know that he joined in with the invasion of Iraq

because he felt "the hand of history" on his genitals and because he wants a cowboy hat. The way he walks when he’s with Bush, it's like they’re on their way to the OK Corral, or some other gay club.

But it turns out that some people in Iraq, for some inexplicable reason, don’t actually want freedom and democracy imposed on them from outside, which just proves the truth in the old saying, America, that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him suck your cock.

But never mind, because we’re still here, and we still love you, yes we do. And let me just say that we don’t feel at all used or defiled by you, America. Well, maybe we do just a little. Actually, maybe quite a lot, but it's worth it for the privilege of being friends with you,

even if you do insist on taking our fingerprints before you'll let us into your country. Because frankly, America, you have saved our bacon. If not for you, we wouldn't be the high profile country we are in the world today.

Having lost an empire, we were ready to be shunted away into the sidelines of history, and forgotten but now, thanks to you, and your glorious mission from God, we find that we still have a role to play in the world, poking our nose in where it's not wanted,

stealing and wasting every precious resource we can get our greedy hands on, and kicking the shit out of brown people, the way Jesus would have wanted. So thank you for that, America. I can't tell you how proud that makes me feel.

I really, really can't. But it's human nature to live in hope, so let me just say in closing, America, as one friend to another,

get well real soon. We're all praying for you. Peace.

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