THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO THE INTERNETYouTube↗  IA↗(long shot)
Comedy  4.6M views 254.9K likes 6.6K dislikes   18 Apr 2017
PewDiePie 110M subscribers Japan YouTube↗


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Felix: So today, family-friendly Felix is going to
Also heute wird der familienfreundliche Felix
-do some instructional videos. I am-um
ein paar lehrreiche Videos machen.
m-my mission here is to spread the positive
Meine Mission lautet: Die positive Nachricht
message of instructional videos.
von lehhreichen Videos zu verbreiten.
Instructional videos!
Lehrfilme. Ich weiß nicht,
Felix: I don't know if you've seen them, uhh... there's some really old
ob ihr die gesehen habt. Es gibt ein paar echt alte
ones. For example, this one is a guide- (Felix briefly forgets what the internet is)
Das hier ist zum Beispiel ein Leitfaden
-to the internet. The family guide to computers.
für das Internet. Der Familien-Leitfaden für Computer.
(Jazzy 90's Song Playing) "Twilight Zone to Star Trek" Felix:YES!!!! YES!!! "Hardware, Software, take a seat, if you dare! " "Power up!" "Download"
Jaa! Das ist ein Rap Song
"Database" "BREAK THE CODE" "CD ROM" Felix: It's A RAP!
"Point-AND-CLICK!"
"TAKE THE SPIN NOW YOU'RE IN REALLY TECHNO HIP" "ALL BECAUSE OF A COMPUTER CHIP!!!!" (song ends)
Felix: Dayum that was tight. Felix: Dayum that was tight. (Another Jazzy Rendition Of The Theme With No Lyrics) Felix: The Jamison family.
Verdammt war das tight! Die Jamison-Familie..
Felix: Remember the Jamison family?
Erinnert ihr euch an die Jamison-Familie?
Mr. Jamison: It's another day in the- Felix: *laughing* ahhahahah what the fuck was Mr. Jamison: -life of my family.
"Ein weiterer Tag.." Was zur Hölle war das
Felix: This is 28 minutes I'm barely getting started!
Das geht 28 Minuten..Und es fängt gerade erst an
hitting a little bit like yours, hi Mr. Jamison: It's a little bit like yours
"Hi"
Mrs. Jamison: Hi! Felix: *Leafy voice* I wanna kill myself i wanna kill myself and if you're like
haha, Ich möchte mich umbringen
Mrs. Jamison: And if you're like us until recently we didn't know much about computers. Felix in unison: We're the Jamisons
"Wenn ihr wie wir seid, dann wusstet ihr bis vor kurzem nicht..."
But a few months ago we decided to join the information age. Felix: YES
"Vor einigen Monaten haben wir uns entschieden"
Felix: Oh I love this so much I love it so much thank you.
"dem Informationszeitalter beizutreten" Ich mag das so sehr
Mrs. Jamison: We'd like to share with you what our family has learned about computers.
Danke "Wir wollen mit euch teilen, was unsere Familie"
Boy: Well the first thing you need to do, is-
"über Computer gelernt hat" Junge: "Naja, das erste was ihr machen müsst"
Pewds: watch porn.
Pornos gucken
Girl: It's really exciting to take the computer out of the box.
Mädchen:" Es ist echt aufregend, den Computer aus der Verpackung zu nehmen"
Felix: I'm going for it *grunting and saying YEAH*
ok, ich mach das mal
Mr. Jamison: I recommend that first you make sure all the parts are there before you start to get underway.
Mann: "Ich empfehle zunächst sicher zu gehen "dass alle Teile da sind, bevor ihr loslegt"
Mrs. Jamison: That's right, and everyone can help.
Frau: "Das stimmt. Und jeder kann helfen!"
Mrs. Jamison: You know they've made it so much easier than in
"Sie haben es so viel einfacher gemacht
the old days.
"als früher. Heutzutage werden die meisten Computer
Now most computer systems are sold with a lot of software programs
"mit einem Haufen installierter Software"
already installed.
"verkauft"
Boi: And the installation of additional software is made automatic with with
"Und die Installation von zusätzlicher Software geschieht automatisch"
with Microsoft Windows 95 Microsoft Windows 95 Felix (Distorted): Oh my- *Deep breath*
"mit Microsoft Windows 95" Oh man
Felix: Windows 95 *smacks lips* - The good old days windows 95, the good old days if you're
Windows 95! Die guten alten Zeiten
Girl: If you're lucky your system will have color-coded lucky your system will have color-coded
"Wenn ihr Glück habt, dann habt ihr bunte"
cables that enable you to put your PC-
"Kabel. Damit könnt ihr.."
Felix: FUCK! NOOO! Felix: GODDAMN HOW DO I PLUG THESE IN!?
Fuck Nein, gottverdammt. Wie soll ich die anschließen?
how am i supposed to know and the installation of additional Felix: *Angry voice* How am I supposed to know????????? Boi: And the installation of additional software-
Wie soll ich das denn nur machen "Die Installation zusätzlicher Software.."
Felix: Why was this haircut out of all
Warum war die Frisur
un-god forbidden haircuts popular I don't understand ungodforbidden haircuts popular I don't
von allen anderen, Gott bewahre, so beliebt
What do you guys think, is it working for me?
Ich versteh das nicht Was denkt ihr? Steht mir das?
I feel fucking anime as shit right now dawg.
Ich fühl mich total Anime-mäßig
Mr. Jamison: If you're serious about-
Scheisse, Jo! "Wenn ihr es ernst meint.."
God not so fucking close.
Bitte, nicht so verdammt dich dran "müsst ihr anfangen"
Mr. Jamison: You really need to start out with an understanding of the basics
"die Grundlagen zu verstehen"
of your system and how to use each
"Von eurem Computer. Und wie ihr jedes Programm nutzen könnt"
program so let's dive right in (Another rendition of the jazzy song) "All because of a computer chip!"
"Lass uns direkt eintauchen, Jess"
Felix: J- Yess!! Felix: Yes! All because of a computer chip! (He pronounces chip "ship") All because of a computer's shit!
Ja! Alles wegen nem Computer-Chip
And my family is a- family is it because and my mother is All because-
Und meine Familie ist eine...Alles wegen
And my mother is a fat bitc-- Mrs. Jamison: One of the most basic computer
Und meine Mutter ist ne fette...
applications is word processing!
"Eine der wichtigsten Anwendungen heißt Word Processing"
Mr. Jamison: In the good old days this was known as typing
"Früher war das noch als Typing bekannt"
*Dumbass laugh* *Felix joins the laughter* *Inhales rapidly* *Laughter continues*
"hahaha" Felix lacht Mädchen:"Ich hab nen Newsletter für die Pfadfinder gemacht"
HAHAHAHAHA *stopping* Girl: and I did the news letter for girl scouts complete with pictures. Daughter: And I didn't lose either for girl scouts
Mr. Jamison: That's great
"Auch noch mit Bildern." Eltern:" Das ist toll"
Mrs. Jamison: That's great honey! *Felix scoffs* *And laughs too* Condescending that's- that's
"Toll Schatz" Voll herablassend..
come back when you get an A
Komm erst zurück, wenn du ne Eins gemacht hast
Mrs. Jamison: Even though I work out of the home, professional word
"Obwohl ich von zu Hause aus arbeite,"
processing makes my company work as big
"macht Professional Word Processing meine Arbeit in der Firma so wichtig "
as the others!
"wie die der anderen" Kannst du aufhören, sie anzufassen?
Felix: Can you stop touching her? It's making me uncomfortable.
Das ist mir unangenehm
Mrs. Jamison: One program that's included in many computer bundles
"Ein Programm, dass in vielen Paketen enthalten ist"
is microsoft works. *Pause*
"heißt Microsoft Works"
Felix: What the fuck is peter doing? What the-
Was zur Hölle macht Peter da, Peter
Felix: Peter, what the hell man?
Was zur Hölle, du Sonderling
Felix:Youf- you.. You weirdo! Mrs. Jamison: Like spell check and cut and paste makes
"Rechtschreibprüfung, Ausschneiden und Einfügen"
your document look like it's professionally printed
"Lassen eurer Dokument gedruckt professionell aussehen"
Felix: professionally printed *small laugh*
professionell gedruckt
Every time they type they don't know how to
Jedesmal, wenn die was eintippen
type they miss-type every fucking time
wissen sie nicht, wie es geht. Die verschreiben sich andauernd
Mrs.Jamison: (...) features like spell check and cut and
"Spezielle Funktionen wie Rechtschreibprüfung, und Ausschneiden"
paste make your document looks like it's
"Einfügen, lassen euer Dokument professionell gedruckt aussehen"
professionally printed *laugh* Felix: He p- he click
Er hat Einfügen angeklickt
space (felix pronounces it pace) instead of- Look! It's not even straight
Guckt euch das an, das Papier ist nicht mal gerade
Mrs.Jamison: and today many of these
"Und heutzutage
applications come bundled together with
kommen viele dieser Anwendungen gemeinsam als Paket"
other programs in money-saving packages
"Mit noch anderen Programmen als günstige Angebote"
called suites and they can represent
"Die werden Sweets genannt"
some real savings Mr.Jamison: You know Ann (The Womans Name?) you get
"Und das bedeutet echtes Sparen"
more today for two hundred and fifty
"Heute kriegst du mehr für 250
dollars than you used to get for twice
"Dollar als du für das Doppelte"
that amount (another jazzy rendition of the theme)
"gekriegt hast"
Say you're thinking of opening up a new
"Stell dir vor, du willst eine neue Firma gründen"
business and you want to see if you're
"Und du willst wissen, ob du"
on the road to success you should use a
"auf dem Weg zum Erfolg bist."
spreadsheet to plan your budget.
"Du solltest eine Tabelle benutzen, um dein Budget zu verwalten"
Do you know what a spreadsheet is, Peter?
"Peter, weißt du, was eine Tabelle ist?"
Felix: *burp* no but I know what your mama spreads at night
Nö, aber ich weiß was deine Mutter letzte Nacht gemacht hat (englischer Wortwitz: Spread = breit machen; Spreadsheet = Tabelle)
Mr: Well the first thing you need to
"Also, zunächst "
determine is your system resource availability
"müsst ihr die Rechenkapazität des Computers kennen"
Felix: oh shit
oh scheisse "Was ist das?"
Girl: What's that? Boi: That's fancy computer talk for whether you have
"Das ist abgehobenes Computerwissen"
enough processing power, disc space and
"Ob du genug Rechenleistung hast, Festplattenspeicher,"
memory to handle the application you're going to run
"Computer Speicher, um die Anwendungen"
Felix: Just look at everyone,
"erfolgreich auszuführen"
They have no idea what the fuck is going on
Guck sie dir alle an, die haben keine Ahnung was zur Hölle abgeht
It's so beautiful
Es ist so wunderschön..
Mrs: With today's more powerful programs they do require a lot
"Heutzutage verfügbare tolle Programme"
more memory and storage
"brauchen viel mehr Speicher und Speicherplatz"
Mr: I still remember back in the old days of computers when
"Ich weiß noch, früher"
forty megabytes was a lot *Felix baah*
"Da waren 40 Megabyte richtig viel."
Boi: Geez Dad! That's ancient history! (Felix Mocking): Jeez DAD! That's Ancient HISTORY!!!!
"Bitte Papa, das ist ja Schnee von gestern" Oh bitte Papa,
Felix (Still Mocking) : Get on my level bitch I got a
das ist ja Schnee von gestern! Komm mal auf meinen Stand, Schlampe
six hundred megabyte Ram with 200
Ich hab 600 Megabyte RAM
gigahertz processor that will fucking
Mit nem 200 Gigahertz Prozessor, und der wird dich
fat your ass up dawg! its hella tight
verdammt nochmal in den Arsch ficken
Did you have black and white televisions back then too?
"Hattet ihr nicht auch Schwarz-Weiß Fernsehen früher"
Felix (Still Mocking) He GOT black and white display on that shit dawg????? Felix (Still Mocking) What THE FUck are u fuckin POOR???
Du hast nen schwarz-weißen Bildschirm, was zur Hölle, du bist voll arm
Mrs: To install a suite of office applications you use the same type of
"Um Office zu installieren braucht ihr"
installation process for most other programs.
"den selben Vorgang wie bei den meisten anderen Programmen"
Felix: okay what is it ,what is it ,what is it!
Okay, was, was, was ist es??
Mrs: you click on my computer Felix:OKAY
"Ihr klickt auf Mein Computer"
then select add and remove programs
"Dann wählt ihr Hinzufügen oder Entfernen"
Felix: OK
"und einfach weiterklicken, um die Anwendung zu installieren"
click ahead to install the application from your CD or disk! Felix: FUCK ITS TOO Fast
"Einfach von CD oder Festplatte"
Girl: -Default locations most of the time
"an den Standard Speicherort"
Felix: Did they say delete system32 is that what I'm supposed to- Ah... Ah... Mr: To Reboot you simply choose yes
Haben die System32 löschen gesagt? Das soll ich also machen?
if the computer asks you whether to turn
"Um Neuzustarten wählt ihr einfach JA aus"
itself off and then on again Felix:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that seems a lil too complicated.
"Wenn euch der Computer fragt, ob er sich ausschalten oder neustarten soll"
Mr: Its the way the computer gets started with your program
Das ist irgendwie kompliziert "So installiert der Computer das Programm"
Girl: but what if you're still having trouble
"Aber was, wenn irgendwas nicht funktioniert?"
Pewdiepie: then you're fucking retarded
Dann bist du extrem behindert
Mrs: Here are some applications that can bring hours
"Es gibt Anwendungen, die"
of enjoyment to every member of the family
"für Stunden voller Spaß in der Familie sorgen"
Felix: hours??!?
Stunden??? "Graphics zum Beispiel"
Mrs: They're called graphics programs! Felix: Graphic Pro- Felix:Graphics! Graphics Programs!
Graphics! Graphics, das Programm!
Mrs: they give you the chance to be really creative by using the
"...super kreativ sein."
computer to help you draw and paint
"nutz den Computer, um beim Zeichnen und Malen zu helfen"
digitally Felix:Whoa!
"Und das digital!" Boah "Ich liebe Graphics"
Mr.: I love the Graphics on the computer Felix: WHOA!!!!!
Wow, Junge, das ist
Felix: DUDE! thats some psycadellic shit!
krasser psychedelischer Scheiss
Mr.: I prepared this club's newsletter last month using microsoft
"Ich hab den Klub-Newsletter letzten Monat"
publisher and there are other great home
"mit Microsoft Publisher gemacht. Und es gibt noch viel mehr"
graphic software programs out there too
"tolle Graphik-Software"
Felix: DUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!! SICK Boy: How'd ya do it dad?
Krank! "Alle waren so beeindruckt"
Everyone was so impressed by how professional it looked! Felix (Mocking): PLEASE DAD
"Es sah so professionell aus!" Bitte Papa, verrat uns
TELL us the SECRET everyone was like 'DAWG! Duude-
dein Geheimnis. Alle waren so, wow, Alter,
THIS is the sickest pro document I've ever SEEN"
das ist das heftigste Pro-Dokument, was ich je gesehen habe
Felix (Still Mocking): DAD! PLEASE!
Papa, Bitte "Ich habe sogar meiner Schwester geholfen"
Mrs: I even helped my sister create a new resume when she was looking for a job!
"eine Bewerbung zu schreiben"
Mr (awkwardly): *Clears Throat* Isn't she uh, still out of work?
"Ehem, ist sie nicht immer noch.."
Felix: (Confused) What the fuck- What are they hinting at here?
"arbeitslos?" Was zur Hölle, was deuten die hier an?
What does that mean? (Mocking) Ah she- (Confused) Felix: What the- look at peter(the boy), Peter always has the best face!
Was soll das bitte heißen. Oh ja, sie..Was zur Hölle. Guck mal auf Peter bestes Gesicht!
Mrs: Depending on the application you'll have-
"Abhängig von der Anwendung, müsst ihr.." Moment
Felix: How- why- Who looks at someone like that? I'm sorry.
Wer guckt jemanden anderen so an
Felix (Mocking The Father): Thats right bitch tell them about the graphic-
Verzeihung, so sieht's aus, Schlampe, erzähl ihnen von Graphics
computer program . (Another Jazzy Rendition) All because of computer chip (Felix sings along)
und Computer Programmen
Mrs: One of the most popular programs for
"Eines der beliebtesten Programme"
home computers is money management,
"für Heimcomputer ist Finanzverwaltung"
after all or most of us perplexed about where
"Im Endeffekt sind wir alle verblüfft darüber, wo"
all the money goes?? Felix (Laughing, almost whispering): Where does all the money go?
"das ganze Geld hingeht"
Mrs: Its one of the things I like best now that I become a computer whiz
"Das finde ich am besten, jetzt, wo ich"
Felix: Oh my god, the cringe, oh my god,
"ein Computer-Genie geworden bin" Oh mein Gott, so peinlich
the cringe, my god, the cringe, oh my god, oh my god
Peinlich, mein Gott, Peinlich OH MEIN GOTT "Leider sind Computer-Viren"
Mr: Unfortunately viruses and our computers are as real as viruses in our families-
"genauso real wie echte Viren"
Mrs: (Sneeze) Felix: Oh my god. The cringe.. Oh my god, kill me,
"in unserer Familie" Wie peinlich..
Kill me! The mom needs to go, okay
Bring mich um Die Mutter muss weg, okay?
The mom needs to go. This is some- some Tyra Banks' level of comedy, man.. (Tyra Banks pretends to have rabies footage)
Die Mutter muss weg. Das ist so wie die Tyra Banks Comedy Sendung
Girl: how often do we actually have the back things up?
"Wie oft müssen wir eigentlich speichern?
Boy: At school they told us we should do it every few minutes
"In der Schule meinten sie, wie sollen alle paar Minuten speichern"
Felix: (Chuckling) *Intense Music* Felix: Jesus, Felix, Yelling: Back it up! it's been a few minutes!
Jesus, los, speichern, ein paar Minuten sind rum
Back up! Back up! Back up! Or you are losing minutes here,
mach ein Back Up, wir verlieren Zeit
Precious minutes! (Another Jazzy Rendition) All because of computer chip (Felix sings along)
Wertvolle Minuten
Boy: You know dad, almost all the cool stuff for
"Weißt du Papa, alle coole Sachen für Computer"
computers these days comes on CD Roms!
"sind heute auf CD-Rom"
Boy: Games, shareware- Felix: 3D PINBALL! YES!
"Spiele, Dateien" Oh ja!
Girl: I became better in math because i use Mighty Math: Calculating Crew, when i was only three. Felix: (Unimpressed) When you were only three, you were-
"Ich bin in Mathe besser geworden, weil ich" "Mighty Math Calculating Crew benutzt habe" "Und das, als ich erst drei war!"
playing this computer game. Sure buddy. Sure.
Als du drei warst, hast du das Spiel gespielt? Sicher doch... Sicher "Ich denke, dass"
Mrs: I do think that a little information on how to set up the new
"ein paar Informationen, wie man den Farbdrucker einrichtet"
color printer would be helpful though.
"hilfreich wären"
MR: I agree!
"Absolut" Mutter: "Was denkst du Peter?" Peter: "Ich kümmer mich darum"
Mrs: How about you Peter? Boy: I can handle it! (Badass music) (Jazzy Instrumental)
Lebewohl, oh nein, nicht weggehen
Felix: "farewell" Oh no... Don't go...
Felix: (Yelling) Yeah, come on, let Peter tell us about some more -
Komm schon, Peter soll seiner Mutter was
computer programs. It's f*ckin- Jamison Family: (Together) See you next time! Felix (Imitating Kazoo Kid): Spee-cial Friend... Special Friend... (Background music started)
über Computer Programme erzählen. "Bis zum nächsten Mal" Special friend...
(Song) Twilight Zone to star trek!!! Hardware, software, take a seat-
-if you DARE! Power up! Download!
Database! Break the code! CD ROM! Super slip! POINT-AND-CLICK IT!
Take a spin! Now you're in really techno hip
All because of a computer chip!
Pewds: YEAH! Great! Alright, I hope you enjoyed this..
Yeah, super Ich hoffe, euch hat das Video gefallen
Let me know if you want me to do more,
Sagt bescheid, wenn ich mehr davon machen soll
leave a like! and uh, yeah I hope you-
Lasst nen Like da
I hope you enjoyed it. As always-
und ja, ich hoffe ihr seid froh. Wie immer, stay awesome
Stay awesome- I mean (Grunting) Pewdiepie and Jazzy tune together: ALL BECAUSE OF A COMPUTER CHIP!!! Got damn this captioning shit is hard, love u all bros! I mean sister!
Ich meine natürlich
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