MIERDAYouTube↗  IA↗(long shot)
Comedy  2.9M views 115.3K likes   27 Jun 2019
Backdoor 5.7M subscribers Mexico YouTube↗


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Finally you're here. You took hours.
Até que enfim você chegou. Demorou muito.
Yes, I know.
Eu sei.
-Can you give me the glue? -No, I didn't bring it.
-Me passa a cola? -Não, não trouxe.
-And what's in the bag? -Cigarretes.
-E o que tem na sacola? -Cigarro.
For whom did you buy cigarettes?
E para quem comprou cigarro?
For anyone who smokes, Fernanda! And that's it.
Para quem quiser fumar, Fernanda. Sei lá! Qual é?
I don't smoke, you don't smoke.
Eu não fumo, você não fuma.
-I was taking a dump. -What?
-Eu estava me cagando. -O quê?
I have diarrhea, right? Happy?
Estou com diarreia, tá? Satisfeita?
I was walking, and it hit me, I couldn't take another step,
Ia andando, bateu a vontade, não podia dar nem mais um passo,
I went to the gas station washroom and bought cigarettes
entrei no banheiro do posto e comprei cigarro
they were looking cross-eyed at me because I used the washroom
porque estavam me olhando feio
-and I did not buy anything. -Jorge...
-por não ter comprado nada. -Jorge...
Instead of buying cigarettes, you could have bought the glue.
Em vez de comprar cigarro, podia ter comprado a cola.
No, Fernanda, because the glue doesn't disguise poos smell
Não, Fernanda, cola não tira o cheiro de cocô
-when you use it in the washroom. -Oh my God, Jorge!
-quando se acende no banheiro. -Meu Deus, Jorge!
What is this? Whose are they?
O que é isso? De quem é?
-I've bought a car. -What?
-Comprei um carro. -O quê?
I was shitting myself, Fernanda! Also, I left the washroom stinky.
Estava me cagando, Fernanda. O banheiro ficou fedendo!
I felt guilty and bought a car to fill the tank
Me senti culpado e comprei um carro para encher o tanque
at the gas station so they wouldn't cross-eye me.
no posto pra não me olharem feio.
What the shit, Jorge?
Qual é, Jorge?
It's a hybrid, I know you wanted a truck, my love,
É um híbrido, sei que queria uma caminhonete, meu amor,
but it was a lot of crap, a lot of paperwork,
mas é muito problema, muita papelada,
and I had to clean myself at the gas station
e eu precisava limpar o meu nome no posto.
Let's see, wait, Jorge.
Espera, Jorge.
How did you buy a car, if they've just fired you?
Como comprou um carro se acabou de ser demitido?
With this. With this.
Com isto. Com isto.
-What is this? -Bank money.
-O que é isso? -O dinheiro do banco.
-What?
O quê?
-Jorge, did you just rob a bank? -I was shitting myself, Fernanda!
-Jorge, você assaltou um banco? -Estava me cagando, Fernanda!
There was this line, and people were staring at me.
Estava lá, na fila, o pessoal me olhando feio,
Looking daggers, when my pants started to get brown,
muito feio, minha calça ficou manchada de marrom,
I felt more judged then in all my life.
me senti mais julgado do que nunca da vida.
-Jorge... -I exploded in diarrhea and courage.
-Jorge... -Explodi de diarreia, de raiva...
What are we going to do? It's dirty money.
Mas o que vai fazer agora? É dinheiro sujo. O que vamos fazer?
-What are we gonna do? -Calm down. Calm down.
Calma. Calma.
First, we have to kill the guy in the trunk, he knows too much.
Primeiro, matar o cara que está no carro porque sabe demais.
-What?
O quê?
Then, return the 50 kilos of cocaine that I promised
Depois, devolver os 50kg de cocaína que prometi
in exchange for the money to buy your truck,
em troca do dinheiro com que comprei a caminhonete.
that I actually bought you.
Sim, acabei comprando.
-Oh no! Really? -Yes.
-Ai, não! É sério? -É.
How nice!
Que fofo!
I thought you did not listen to me.
Pensei que nem tivesse escutado.
-So cute! -It's nothing.
-Que lindo! -Imagina.
-Thank you, my love. -You're welcome, honey.
-Obrigada, meu amor. -De nada, meu amor.
You're welcome, dear.
De nada, fofura.
I really wanted a truck.
Na verdade, eu queria uma caminhonete.
Listen...
Escuta...
-We have to go to Panama. -To Panama? Why Panama?
-Nós temos que ir pro Panamá. -Pro Panamá? Por quê?
Because I have diarrhea! Bring the keys, I'm crapping myself.
Porque estou com diarreia, Fernanda! Pega as chaves, estou me cagando!
Hello, good evening.
Oi, boa noite.
I'm the person who was there in the afternoon...
Fala a pessoa que foi de tarde para...
Exactly, yes, the one who adopted the two children.
Isso, que adotou as duas crianças.
I wanted to know if it's OK to teach them to smoke,
Queria perguntar se acha conveniente que eu os ensine a fumar,
because I have a packet left, I'm not gonna use anyway.
porque sobrou um maço, e não vou mais usar.
Ah, no. No. Of course.
Ah, não. Não. Claro.
What's that? No, sorry!
Imagina. Não, perdão.
Since now. Yes, right.
Claro que sim. Bom, sim.
No problem, I'll handle it. Thank you. See you.
Não importa, eu resolvo. Obrigado. Até logo.
Son of a bitch...
Puta merda...
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