HOW TO MAKE HIM LEAVE YOUYouTube↗  IA↗(long shot)
Comedy  393K views 13.5K likes 247 dislikes   26 May 2016
Just Between Us 615K subscribers N/A YouTube↗


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Alison, why did you text me 411?
Alison, pourqoui tu m'as textée 411?
Did you mean to text me 911?
Tu entendais 911?
Oh, no!
Ah, non!
Wait, it's not what you think!
Attends, ce n'est pas ce dont tu penses!
Oh, really?
Ah, bon?
It's not you sitting me down for a love
Ce n'est pas une de tes seminaires de l'amour
seminar and how to manipulate the
et comment manipuler
human heart into getting exactly
le cœur humain pour obtenir
what you want?
tes désirs exactes?
No!
Non!
I want you to seminar me...
Je veux un séminaire de toi...
Walk me through this one more time?
Explique à moi encore une fois
Ugh, I need to break up with Steve!
Pouah! Je dois casser relations avec Steve
But I don't know how to break up
Mais je ne sais pas comment
with Steve because I'm always the dumpee
car je suis toujours la larguée
and not the dumper.
et pas celui qui largue
You are always the dumper
T'es toujours celui qui largue
and not the dumpee.
Jamais la larguée
Hence, my need for a breakup tutorial.
Je demande donc un tutoriel de rupture de toi
Why are we breaking up with Steve?
Et pour quoi la rupture?
I thought we liked Steve?
Je pensais qu'on aimait Steve
Steve is boring.
Steve est ennuyeux
Glad you said it, not me...
Je suis contente que c'es toi qui le dit, pas moi
I feel awful...
Je me sens terrible...
How can I do this?
Comment le faire?
How can I rip someone's heart into a
Comment briser un cœur
million little pieces?
en un million de petits morceaux?
You have to be such a monster.
On doit être un monstre de...
I dump people all the time.
Je le fais tout le temps.
Exactly!
Exactement!
You know what, Steve is an adult.
Tu sais? Steve est adulte
Why don't you sit him down,
pourquoi ne pas l'asseoir en bas pour un 'chat',
tell him the truth, and go by your life?
lui dire la vérité, et continuer avec ta vie?
Oh, really Gabby?
Serieusement, Gaby?
I'm supposed to sit Steve down and say,
Je lui fait asseoir en bas et dis,
"Hey Steve, sorry but we've got to
Désolé, Steve. Nous devons
break up cause you're SUPER boring,
briser parce que t'es SUPER ennuyeux
and your lips are too firm?"
et tes lèvres sont trop durs??
I only like really soft kissing...
Je n'aime que des bisous molles
Okay, maybe we don't do the whole truth?
OK, peut être pas TOUT la vérité?
Maybe we just do a version.
On en fait peut être une version?
Do you ever feel stifled?
Tu te sens parfois étouffée
No...
Non...
Are you too busy?
T'es trop occupée?
I wish!
Que je souhaite!
Has an unexpected person
Est-ce qu'un mec inattendu
come into your life...
est venu dans ta vie...
and made you feel
et t'as fait sentir
alive for the first time?
vivante pour la 1er fois?
Gaby, I can't say that!
Gaby! Je ne peux pas dire ça!
Yeah, I guess it didn't work that well
Ouais, Je suppose que cela
when I used it.
ne m'a pas bien servi.
You know, you're not very good
Tu sais, tu n'es pas tres bonne
at giving breakup tutorials.
avec des tutoriels de rupture
This is not a breakup tutorial!
Ce n'est pas un tutoriel de rupture
This is a conversation.
C'est un discussion
Why are you still holding the marker?
Pourquoi tu tiens toujours le marqueur?
Hmm, what's the best way someone's
Donc, quelle est la meilleure
broken up with you?
façon que quelqu'un a rompu avec toi?
Maybe we can use that.
Peut etre on utilise ca
I don't know if there was a best way...
Je ne sais pas s'il y'en a meilleure
There were certainly a lot of ways.
Certes, il y avait beaucoup de façons
Like?
Comme?
Uh, one guy dumped me for a family friend
un mec m'a laisse pour une amie familiale
who was still in high school.
qui était toujours au lycée
Maybe I could use that,
Peut être j'utilise ça
and Steve would be so grossed out
et Steve sera tellement dégouté
he'd go away without a fight!
qu'il me quitte sans lutte.
Or he'll be pissed off
Ou, il se fâchera
enough to call the cops!
au point d'appeler les flics.
I'm a 28 year old bartender who lives
Je suis une barman de 28 ans
with my grandma
habitant chez grandmere
and has a fear of commitment.
et peureuse d'engagement.
He's been to our place,
Il a été chez nous,
and also your bedroom is covered
en plus, ta chambre est couverte
in engagement ring mockups.
des maquettes des bagues de fiançailles.
Ha! I'm secretly in love with you!
Ha! Suis secretement amoreuse de toi!
People have broken up with you
Des gens ont rompu avec toi
because they're secretly in love with me?
a cause d'un amour secret pour moi?
Multiple times.
Plusiers fois
Works like a charm.
Ca marche comme un charme.
Don't look so happy.
Ne sois pas tellement contente
How'd it go?
C'était comment ?
Really well, actually.
C'est tres bien passee, en fait
Steve said he always suspected
Steve a dit qu'il me
that I was gay.
soupconnait toujours d'etre lesbienne.
You're not gay.
Tu n'est pas lesbienne.
God...
Dieu...
What were their names?
Quels etaient leurs noms?
You're being a bad friend.
T'es une mauvaise amie.
Subtitles by the Amara.org community
Sous-titres réalisés par la communauté d’Amara.org
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